Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'.

Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies:

Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not be filling the holes with any more pot. Yours recreationally, AI.

Dear Colin, thank you for your letter about dog mess. No-one likes a messy dog. Have you considered dog grooming to tidy them up? Yours thoughtfully, AI.

Dear Brigadier, thank you for your shouty voicemail about speeding motorists. This is a matter for the rozzers. Our data suggests that when the rozzers set up speed traps they mostly catch local drivers, so you have been warned! In addition, the council is considering lowering the speed limit to 10mph. I hope we can count on your support. Your obedient servant, AI.

Dear Swampy, thank you for your letter about the climate emergency. We can all do our bit by reusing candle ends, using recycling bind correctly and by planting more forests. And also by growing your own veg, although there is currently a nine-year wait for an allotment. The council is committing to reducing this wait, subject to the availability of resources. Why not turn your heating down by one degree? The council is committed to achieving net-zero by 2065. The longest journey starts with a single step change. Your philosophically, AI

The residents did admit that although the AI replies were unhelpful and off-topic, they were actually better than those produced by the (now sacked) humans.

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Reform candidate stands down after Cleese accusation

A Reform candidate for the Welsh Sennedd elections has stood down after photographs of him throwing a Nazi salute and holding a comb over his top lip emerged.

'At first I was accused of imitating Hitler and I thought 'cool', Nigel will approve,' he said today. He decided imitating Hitler was OK as 'everybody I know does that, plus it didn't do Prince Harry any harm, did it?'

However, it transpires that the media are comparing him to John Cleese. 'That's beyond the pale, even Reform wouldn't accept him,' he said, announcing his resignation from the elections. 'I don't want to tar moderate racists with the Cleese brush,' he explained.

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Iran asks: Is Trump using confusion tactics?

'The US President says he wants peace but is sending 10,000 troops to the war zone,' said a perplexed spokes-skeleton for the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corpse.

'He says he's negotiating with an Iranian leader who calls the shots, but says his interlocutor will be shot if he's caught negotiating with him.

'And Trump says he wants to bomb all our energy plants and be Iran's worst nightmare, but then says he's kindly giving us 10 days before doing it.

'Is he saying all this to confuse us and give us a huge migraine so that we beg him to away?'

A State Department official was quick to clarify the situation, saying: 'This is not a trick. The President is way out of his depth and genuinely has no idea what he's doing.'

'I've even managed to confuse myself,' Trump posted on Truth Social, in a unique moment of honesty.

'I've been wandering around Graceland looking at pictures of Elvis when I could have sworn I was in the war room at Mar-a-Lago launching Tomahawks onto schools.'

Image credit: perchance.org