Council tells Aldi to take down all the flags

West Wassick District Council has written to its local Aldi store asking them to take down all the flags decorating the store.

A spokesman told us: ‘Many members of the community are distressed by the flags. They are well aware that Aldi was started by two German brothers and that it remains in German ownership. The extravagant displays of Union Flags in store are therefore inappropriate, unsettling and borderline sarcastic.

‘While Aldi may claim that it is ‘Backing British Farmers’ they may have omitted the words ‘Into A Corner’. We fear that their flag waving is more about extracting cash from customers than it is about patriotism.

'The Council has taken steps to paint over flags on mini-roundabouts and to take down flags on lamp posts. We are nothing if not fair, so we are telling Aldi that they need to take their flags down too – to waive the flags, if you like. 

'Don’t say we haven’t got a sense of humour.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Man accepts that he might be AI

Arthur Jenkins (51) has ‘reluctantly’ accepted that he might no longer be real.

‘I haven’t been watching The Matrix or eating cheese before bed or anything like that’, he told reporters. ‘It’s just that deepfakes are getting so good that I genuinely can’t tell the difference. I saw one yesterday, Nigel Farage in a Russian hat counting out handfuls of roubles, but when I sent it to my girlfriend she said it was AI generated, and then she told me that she’s AI generated. I was gutted. Never had a stunner before.'

Arthur’s ‘girlfriend’ turned out to be some lines of code sitting on a server in California. NewsBiscuit asked her for comment, but she wanted our credit card details, and we don’t have one. Are we real?

‘Shaun of the Dead’ sequel ‘Operation Raise the Colours’ hailed as a classic

Simon Pegg’s 2004 zombie spoof ‘Shaun of the Dead’ was an instant hit, but has been criticised for its treatment of zombies as one-dimensional characters with no autonomy, intellect or artistic sensibilities.

His sequel, Operation Raise the Colours, features an even more devastating mass infection event with a twist: the zombies hoist flags on lampposts to mark their territory.

‘We wanted to show zombies as real characters, you know, with hopes and dreams and ladders and flags’, Pegg allegedly told reporters. ‘These zombies can sort of speak – they can string a few words together, it’s gibberish, but it’s their gibberish. Obviously, they’re brain-dead, but they can still function a bit. And tie flags to lampposts.'

The zombie leaders are particularly abhorrent. The one they call ‘Nigel’ leaves a trail of ash and roubles everywhere he walks, and can make women vomit just by speaking to them. The rival zombie leader, ‘Tommy’, is a midget with a pronounced tic, as if he’s done too much coke. In the final climactic scene the two zombie leaders fight to the death, and are buried with full military honours, draped in flags – Nigel in a Russian flag, Tommy in a Union Jack handkerchief.

Image credit: perchance.org