Government explains how breaking the pension promise doesn’t in fact break the pension promise

The government has explained how breaking the so-called triple-lock on pension increases does not actually, in fact, break the triple-lock. The following text is taken directly from a government press release.

‘The fact is that the triple-lock is a clear manifesto commitment. Fact. Another fact is that no-one ever read the small print of the manifesto. People prefer to imagine that the manifesto commitment means whatever they want it to mean. Which is actually quite correct. The commitment means whatever we want it to mean. Fact.

The fact is that the government never realised how costly the pension commitment would be. As costs have risen exponentially, which means by a lot, it is right to review whether or not the actual calculation of the triple-lock actually delivers the intended spirit of the policy.

The fact is that the spirit of the policy was to reassure pensioners that the government understood their situation, which was that their votes were available in return for a decent bung. The triple-lock has delivered a decent bung since the last election and will continue to do so.

The fact is that the government has made some minor improvements to the calculation of the pension increase to take out the effect of things entirely outside its control, such as the NHS strike, rail strikes, sewage on the beaches, sleaze, sexism, inflation, rising pay and crumbly concrete. These improvements to the pension increase calculation remain entirely within the spirit of delivering a decent bung to pensioners and this will continue to be the case for the foreseeable future.

These improvements deliver a substantial increase in the state pension from next April and one that is not substantially lower than the substantial increase that would have been delivered under the flawed and discredited arithmetic of the previous calculation.

In fact state pensions have increased by ten thousand per cent since they were first introduced and this will continue to be the case.

So you have every reason to be enormously grateful for the pension increase and every reason to continue to vote Tory very enthusiastically at the forthcoming general election.

Starmer won’t even commit to supporting the triple-lock, for heavens sake. Fact.’

Sunak hoping for poll boost from Strictly performance

Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak is hoping to turn his fortunes around by appearing in the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas extravaganza.

His campaign team apparently had the idea that if he danced with Vasudhara, the six-armed Indian goddess, he would wow TV audiences around the world and gain the confidence to meet his counterparts on the world stage. But rehearsals with Vasudhara didn’t go as planned, as Sunak was inevitably undecided by which of Vasudhara’s hands to take during the fast-paced Pasodoble that was intended to be his pièce de résistance.

Vasudhara is said to have told the Strictly choreographer that she doubted Sunak would know which hand to wank with if the other was tied behind his back, as she pulled out of the show.

An alternative partner for Sunak has been found and the dance downgraded to a slow-paced, two-step waltz, which if Rishi can remember which foot to lead with, may allow the event to go ahead.

Murdoch to retire, leaving Evil nothing to do

Beelzebub is said to be distraught that his right hand man and left testicle, is stepping back from day to day wickedness. Sadly, Fox Corporation will be rudderless and missing the smell of sulphur.

Rupert Murdoch has left an indelible mark on the print media, usually in the form of a cloven hoof. No one can underestimate his contribution to public discourse if you are a fan of shouting racist puns or t$ts.

Feared by politicians for being every bit as unethical as they are, Murdoch was a figure to be reckoned with, provided that figure was 666. He has told friends he plans to bow out with dignity, as a fiery pit opens up beneath his feet and he descends to the dark underworld from which he came - Australia.