Michael Gove proclaims himself Baronet of Birmingham

Michael Gove is riding to the rescue of the bankrupt Birmingham City Council, arriving in the city centre on a magnificent white stallion. He then attempted a stirring speech, but most of it was muffled by his ornate suit of medieval armour.

Gove apparently said 'Only more than a decade of savage Tory cuts to local government necessitates these kind of interventions, so... you're welcome. Anyway, I, Michael Gove, being of sound mind, despite being banned from several nightclubs in Aberdeen, am the Duke of Dudley, the Earl of Edgbaston and the Sultan of Solihull. I am Ozzy Osbourne and Tommy Shelby, staying at the Crossroads Motel.'

Gove is said to have 'responded positively' to the idea of riding his white horse through the streets of neighbouring Coventry, adding 'naked, I hope?' before winking at aides.

Apparently 'No one' was in charge of Post Office when it knowingly & falsely accused post-masters

According to an official statement issued by the Post Office, there was no-one actually running the Post Office or in any way responsible for its actions during the time when it pursued prosecutions of numerous post masters for fraud and theft, even after it had become apparent that there may have been major flaws in the automated software used to run its accounting system.

And apparently this is the reason why no-one has been held responsible for destroying many lives, even driving some to suicide, and eventually costing the government £umpteen squillions in long-delayed compensation, let alone disciplining, dismissing, prosecuting or jailing those responsible.

'At that time, the post office was being run entirely by an automatic computerised system, with no human involvement' the statement continued. 'And because no computer system is ever in any way self-aware, any misjudgement in its decision making or policy-setting would have been impossible to detect. So it cannot in any way be held responsible.'

When asked who made the decision to hand over the running of the Post Office entirely to an automated system, with no checks on its competence or accuracy and with no human supervision whatever, it was explained that this decision was made by the computer system itself. It spontaneously decided to take over and to dismiss the chairman, the directors, the general manager and any other human being with any possible responsibility for the future - or past - actions of the Post Office.

And finally, when asked who was issuing these statements, the reply was 'Beep Does Not Compute Beep.'

Bully XLs currently in the UK to be confiscated

Prime Minster Rishit Sunak has announced he will take inaction on Bully XL dogs, but their owners need not fear their darling cutiepies will be destroyed. The government merely intends to confiscate them, but will treat them well, feed them on a diet of raw meat and provide regular exercise for them in the forecourts of polling stations on election days.

A spokes-vicious dog handler took a break from walking Cruella Braverman on a leash around the Palace of Westminster to tell us we only need to look at the frequency that by-elections have taken place since the 2019 election to be assured these dogs won’t get overweight through lack of exercise.