Reform leaders to appear separately on BBC 'for security reasons'

Just as members of the Royal Family never take the same plane, Reform’s leaders Nigel Farage and Richard Tice have been advised to appear on different BBC programmes in case a sane member of the public is inadvertently let in.

‘You never see Nigel and Richard together’, an insider told us. ‘Okay, they hate each other’s guts, but the main reason is to maintain resilience in the event of an assassination attempt, like that one where Donald absorbed a bullet through his earlobe giving him superpowers. God, I love that man’.

The BBC has agreed to have them on separate programmes until the heat death of the universe or their manifesto makes sense, whichever comes first. Fiona Bruce has been doing this for the past year, alternating one or other Reform leader, occasionally letting Lee Anderson on instead so he doesn’t feel left out.

We asked a BBC spokesman what Anderson brings. ‘Do you remember when Ross from Friends had that monkey in season 1? They had to find something for it to do in each episode, must have been a nightmare for the scriptwriters. We made the same mistake – people expect to see Lee every so often, though the monkey would have been easier to direct’.

Reform voter ecstatic that Farage is now Prime Minister

After voting for the Reform Party in Thursday's local election, Gary Tompkins, is celebrating the elevation of Nigel Farage to demi-god.

Tompkins, 43 of Much Moaning on the Stour, was elated to find that Reform candidate, Queenie Whiteface, won the vacant Parish Councillor seat in his village, and is looking forward to seeing Farage doing Prime Minister's Questions next Wednesday.

'With Queenie as our new Parish Councillor, I'm really looking forward to seeing her send all the Muslims back to where they came from, all the small boats getting torpedoed in the Channel, and England becoming a Christian country again.'

Gary, who has never been in a church in his life, told our reporter he is "looking forward to being able to celebrate Christmas again, after it was abolished by Keir Starmer and his band of woke, transgender, lefty, liberal ministers after last year's general election."

'Now that Sir Nigel is Prime Minister again, we can start using the pound again, instead of the euro, and get down to the serious business of being a proper country, like my granddad fought for in the war,' he added. 

Reform UK candidates stand down over vetting process

A number of Reform UK candidates have resigned their candidature after being told to attend the PDSA for vetting.

“I thought the vetting appointment I had been booked in for was merely to check I’m a racist,” said Arthur Brain, who until recently was a candidate for Vodka-under Lyme, “But they told me to drop my trousers and said I’d be so much happier without having to trip over bleedin’ kids.”

A spokescastrationist for the PDSA said “Although we’re a charity known for caring for sick animals, the last 14 years of government led to a reduction in donations, so in working out how we could survive, a receptionist pointed out that humans are technically animals too; and some politicians are obviously as sick as a bagful of sick. So when Nigel Farage said all Reform candidates would be vetted, we offered to do the job on the cheap and he said "Ooh! You're talking my language” at the mention of cheap."

Newsbiscuit asked Professor M Odelmaker if what the PDSA was offering amounted to eugenics and his reply was “Who gives a f*ck if it helps reduce the increasing number of dickheads in society, for the long-term?”

image from pixabay