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It’s a bigger mystery than Dark Energy. Strange occurrences which defy reason keep happening. Now scientists think they may have discovered the cause – a large mass with improbable orange colouring which distorts truth the way a black hole distorts spacetime.


Scientists are calling it 'Trumpian Pressure' after the humanoid where it was first identified.


'It seems a recent phenomenon but maybe Trumpian Pressure has always been there' a scientist told us. 'Science is based on reason, on finding root causes – but what if some events don’t have a root cause? What if some are genuinely chaotic?'


Recent mysterious events include the resignation of Tim Davie, the FBI investigating anybody who said something mean about Donald Trump and the baffling disappearance of the Epstein Papers.


'Take the Davie case. He’s committed about seven billion sackable offences for a DG of a supposedly impartial broadcaster in the last few years, and . . . nothing. No consequences. To be honest, that’s the real mystery. Yet the one event which ended his career was a single dodgy documentary which – let’s face it – probably didn’t hit hard enough. Poor editing, a misleading narrative – but given Trump’s many misdemeanours it would be like falsely accusing Adolf Hitler of having an overdue library book'.


NewsBiscuit would have asked Tim Davie for comment but we don’t have his phone number.


Image: WixAI

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It was revealed today that members of the American government have been running a deadpool about when Ghislaine Maxwell will commit suicide.


“I mean, why wouldn’t she?” said Tommy Douche of the State Department. ”Someone used to such a luxurious, glamorous lifestyle facing decades on Riker’s Island, and being a total pariah if she ever gets out? It’s a no-brainer.”


“My money was on the first three weeks,” said Dave Grunt of Homeland Security. “I don’t know why they… I mean, she’s taking so long.”


Asked what he meant by that slip, Grunt paused before eventually saying “Well, you know how with a black hole there’s a line called the event horizon, and if you go beyond that you don’t have a chance? That’s basically where she is now.”


It’s thought the pool is open to all branches of the government, except of course the FBI since they’ll be the ones arranging the suicide.


“God knows why, though,” complained Grunt, “after the mess they made of Epstein. Ligature marks at the wrong angle? Three minutes missing from the security camera footage? It’s amateur hour. You’d think they’ve never done this before.”


image from pixabay

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After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever visited the island. The supposed list of 'clients' who had visited the island was sunk on board the Portsmouth ferry and all tickets to Blackgang Chime were destroyed.


Furthermore the island no longer appears on any maps and has been replaced by the phrase 'here be dinosaurs'. The FBI confirmed 'IOW is not a sex island - not unless you count caravan parks. Nothing illegal ever happened here, in fact, since 1972, nothing ever happened here.'



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