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The German city of Hamburg is reeling after being declared entirely responsible for meat products mislabelling.


'This has gone on for far too long,' announced Helmut Euler, Head Chief at the FSA. 'There is nothing more dangerous in the world than misrepresented consumables. You wouldn't believe the trouble we've had with baby food. Exhaustive tests have shown that there are virtually no babies in it whatsoever.


'It is therefore my grim duty to declare that the entire city is responsible for widespread confusion over whether hamburgers contain pork products or not. Everyone knows that a hamburger should be made using 100% cow. We have no option but to close down the city until it renames itself, changing all signs and map references to Beefburg.


'Next we are going after Brie Larson, who is less than 14% cheese.'


image form pixabay




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Your oven has expressed sarcastic disbelief after being set to warm up yet another meal at 180 degrees for around 20 minutes.


'Quelle surprise!', exclaimed your Bosch 500, after waiting expectantly after you placed some breaded chicken and oven chips on the middle shelf.


'I mean I'm genuinely shocked at this', continued the oven, putting on a feigned look of confusion. 'I can't think of the last time you put me on this setting... it must have been... (checks notes)... oh, that's right, yesterday with your meat and potato pie.'


'And then the day before with that ruddy tray bake of roast veg. And the day before that... oh just sod off'.


'I'm a finely tuned piece of German engineering, you know,' continued the oven. 'I just want the chance to do a piece of juicy slow roasted lamb at 150 degrees for 12 hours. Or crank me up to 280 degrees for 5 mins for some quick Yorkshire puddings. Anything, please, just an opportunity to show my class.'


In other news, your microwave has confirmed that any soup you choose to warm up in there will either be totally tepid or the temperature of molten lava, there is no in between.


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