MasterChef gets a thrilling rebrand

The BBC has announced that a new series of MasterChef will go ahead despite the huge controversies surrounding the presenters of the cookery show.

A press release states that "once the current edition ends, the only thing viewers will see in the next season will be forks, knives, the occasional spoon and someone in the background shouting 'That is sensational".

Recipes with potential innuendo, such as aubergine delight, sausage frenzy and coq au anything, have been banned by programme maker Banijay.

Judge John Torode will be replaced by a robot (“no one will notice”, an insider insisted) while an illegitimate son of Donald Trump will step in for Gregg Wallace to do background criticism.

“We think this is the way forward for the hugely popular show,” said a MasterChef spokeswoman.

“Concentrating on cutlery has been a long-held ambition of the show. We’re so glad we can do that now.”

Guardian columnist fired for not writing about himself

The Independent Press Standards Association (Ipso) says it has been inundated with complaints following yesterday’s publication from the 14-year-old.

In the article, Templeton-Dorset began with a long history of beetroot and feta followed by quotes from manufacturers, fans and a spokeswoman from the BFG (Beetroot and Feta Groupies), an organisation recently proscribed by home secretary Yvette Cooper.

'The whole f***ing point of a Guardian comment piece is to make it all about you, no matter how tedious,' wrote Sally Nibbles on Facebook. 'Absolutely outrageous. I did a spellcheck on the article and no ‘I’ came up.

'I was looking forward to reading about someone’s personal struggle with a jam jar that wouldn’t open, or why their pepper mill didn’t work, or why Courchevel is better than St Moritz this year, but…'

A spokesman for The Guardian offered sincere apologies for offence caused. 'We understand it caused a lot of distress. It was a one-off that backfired. We tried re-educate the writer as to the normal and expected Guardian style when it comes to root vegetables and Greek cheese, but he was having none of it.'

Photo by AbsolutVision on Unsplash

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