top of page
Search

Southgate to be knighted for services to not winning


ree

The ex-England boss will receive royal recognition for his contribution to the nation’s always losing. Southgate, famed for his civilized waistcoat ways, is said to be neutrally sensible about the knighthood, which comes on the heels of him not being offered a single job since retiring as England manager following yet another near miss.


Southgate joins a limited number of variations of Gary to be christened as knights. It was seen as a condition of West Indies cricketer Gary Sobers reverting to his full name before he was granted the title of Sir Garfield Sobers. ‘But crucially, Sobers was a winner and not English,’ commented an expert on peer-related fastidiousness. ‘If he had been English, his achievements would have counted against him.’


Southgate on the other hand excelled in perennial second placedness, meaning His Majesty’s advisors had a simple task in nominating him for a gong. ‘He speaks well, never upsets anyone, and always loses,’ gushed one admiring ‘Garista’, as Southgate’s many housewife fangirls have come to be known. Some say Southgate should have won formal recognition for his loseriness after losing a retrospectively easy looking World cup semi-final against Croatia in 2018. ‘It was disgusting he didn’t win one then. He was obviously a loser,’ opined another Garista.


Sir Bobby Robson was quickly titled for his contribution to the nation’s vault of ‘heartbreaking’ following England’s epic penalty failure in 1990, and with losers everywhere you look in this country right now, the royal authorities are going to have a hard time keeping up. Hence, there was some relief when Thomas Tuchel was awarded the role of England boss in the autumn.



Man in pub struggles to express empty football thought


ree

A man in the pub has tried to express a thought he had about football which actually turns out to be a complete non-idea, utterly meaningless and totally empty of content.


The supposed idea, which seemed really important to him at the time, turned out to be difficult to express clearly. In fact this was because it did not actually make any logical sense or even actually exist as a concept.


It seemed to consist partly of the idea that one team was better than the other. But there was apparently a further twist which included the fact that this was now news to someone, without saying who. This was then elaborated with a long list of players and their abilities, constantly referring to their cost and goal history, returning occasionally to the main theme that one team is better.


Struggling to get across what he was thinking, the 'idea' was expressed with hand movements and comments on the superiority or lack thereof of one team or other, due, he emphasised, to the qualities of the various players.


Fourteen minutes into the monologue, after repeating himself more than fifty times, he finally concluded with an outburst of football word salad. His fellow drinkers nodded sagely and showed visible signs of relief as they changed the subject to immigration.





Footballer picks up coveted spitting award

A Division 2 footballer was celebrating last night, after receiving the annual spitter of the year prize at the Golden Greenie awards, held in Gobowen. Peter Jones, a journeyman centre-back with Port Vale, was commended by a panel of journalists and fellow players for ‘a season of unparalleled nose ejections, with variety, trajectory and speed of delivery more typically associated with a premier league player, or someone with a very serious bacterial infection’ .


‘Jones has been untouchable this year, something that we'd also advise about his discharge’, noted one leading football journalist. ‘It’s hard to single out individual gobs in such a great season, but I’d say his right nostril ejection midway through the Stoke cup game in January was a watershed - well, snot-shed actually - moment. Finger blocking left nostril. Rapid exit of phlegm in a single shot, with no residue onto the shirt. Deliberately targeted to miss the opponent’s foot by less than a centimetre. Outstanding.’


‘Pete’s versatility has been a hallmark of his nose clearances this year’, waxed the journalist. ‘He’s a great utility gobber. He can deliver that little bit of spit between his two front teeth, finishing with a double pike of the saliva into the advertising hoardings, along with the best in the world. But he’s not afraid to honk out a huge mucus and saliva mix around the penalty area on a wet and windy Tuesday in January at Burnley either’.


‘I’ve been really pleased with my consistency this year’, admitted Jones, ‘Thick, mostly green, and very, very difficult to remove from the playing surface’.




bottom of page