Yoiks tally-ho! Now we've nowhere to go

As Boxing Day draws ever closer, Oliver and Hattie Mackintosh-Penrose prepare to face yet another one full of sad memories.

Oliver explains: 'Used to be the best day of the year. We'd get dressed up and then it was out to the yard where the horses had been immaculately groomed by the stable plebs.'

'A quick snifter or two outside The Bell and Dragon,' adds Hattie with tears in her eyes, 'then The Master would sound the bugle and we'd be off, galloping over fields and meadows with expectation of bloody carnage in our hearts and hounds yelping with the chase well and truly on.'

'The fun would really start if we encountered saboteurs,' Oliver smiles, 'a few good blows with our riding crops and that soon sent them back to their squats, bowls of muesli and nut cutlets.

'Then the best bit, cornering the fox with the dogs going crazy as the little fellow got ripped to shreds followed by another massive horn... if you follow what I'm saying. What? Whoops. I say, Hat. old girl. Pass me a tissue, will you? I appear to have had a little accident.'

Photo by Jason Wolf on Unsplash

Tories roll the dice again and legalise Bear Baiting and Cock Fights

Conservatives have once again tried to find a policy that will win back voters confidence by announcing the repeal of the banning of the ancient “entertainment” of Bear Baiting and Cock Fighting.

'Too long have we deprived people of simple British entertainment and stymied the animal fighting industry,' said a party spokesman, 'it’s time we gathered around the television on a Saturday evening and watched a good old fashioned British cock fight.' The massed Tory ranks were vociferous in their vocal, clearly excited support.

Bear-baiting is a sport in which a chained bear and one or more dogs are forced to fight one another. It may also involve pitting the bear against another animal. Cockfighting is a sport involving roosters or cocks, held in a ring called a cockpit where they are encouraged to fight each other, the one remaining being the winner. The variations are endless and Tyson Fury’s representatives have already been contacted to see if he fancies taking on a couple of Bonobos.

;I’m tremendously excited by this announcement,' said one senior minister, 'I have been a cock fight enthusiast for many years and now us closet fans can come out of the shadows and support a regulated, safe (for us) and taxable sport where Britain can be world leaders.'

Photo by mana5280 on Unsplash

Tucker Carlson announces engagement to 92-year-old tycoon

A former Fox News host has proudly shown off an Asscher-cut diamond solitaire ring to reporters after a billionaire media tycoon ‘popped the question’ on the steps of Capitol Hill. The blushing host told reporters:

‘My beau is very traditional. He insists I give up my day job.’

Tucker’s intended has been married thirty-seven times before, mostly to troublesome employees who he relocates to Australia before dumping them. Tucker, who was previously married to Donald Trump, becomes step-mother to forty seven children.

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