Everyone relieved ‘Macron’ isn’t somehow French for ‘le Sword’

Emmanuel Macron, star of such erotic films as Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle The Joys of a Woman, Goodbye Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle 4, 5, 6 and 7, has been re-elected President of France. As a re-elected President, Macron may now style himself as 'Le Grande Fromage'.

His opponent was Marine Le Pen and there was general relief among non-racists everywhere that Le Pen proved not to be mightier than anything. She did remember to hide her racist light under a racist bushel for most of her campaign, with slogans such as 'I'm not racist (wink)', 'OK fine, I’m not as racist (as my dad)' and 'Let’s paint the Eiffel Tower white'. A spokesman for Le Pen said ‘France for the French – oh, how did that suitcase full of rubles get there? I guess we’ll never know.’

British fish to take lessons in conversational French

A four year old cod living off Dover has caused outrage within it's shoal by registering for French evening classes in order to avoid being 'labelled' as part of the UK fish stock.

Under international law, the fish would ordinarily be considered English, meaning it would be caught by the Men of Kent and end up overcooked and sold with a huge portion of soggy chips in PJ's takeaway, alongside reformed kebabs and battered pork sausages which have been nowhere near a pig.

Fishermen have reacted angrily to the absence of patriotism displayed, calling on the government to intervene in order to prevent the further dilution of English values within the 'white' fish population.

image from pixabay

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

Something Similar	On Sale Now	Something Different
French trawler impounded outside Bridlington fish shop	Buy in time for Christmas	Law states people cannot be insulted if insult followed by smiley emoji

EU employ French Brexit negotiator to shrug and pretend not to understand English

The European Union has employed French politician Michel Barnier to oversea the Brexit negotiations from the EU side, who was chosen for his particularly annoying shrug and his ability to pretend that he doesn't speak a word English, despite being fluent in the language.

'The United Kingdom has voted to leave the European Union, and that is understandable because they are very stupid' he said unhelpfully at the start of negotiations. 'Now I will leave you to eat your disgusting English sandwiches at your computers while I have a delicious three course lunch between noon and three o'clock.'

Throughout the negotiations Barnier has made it clear he intends to criticize English cuisine, the British public transport system and the failure of the English football team to win anything in the last half century.

'We intend to make Britain regret its decision to leave the EU' he told reporters. 'Every suggestion that they make, I will just shrug and say 'Ce n'est pas possible.' And then even if they speak perfect French I will laugh at their accent and say 'Je ne comprends pas!'

'In the end, the British will find the job of leaving the EU much too difficult, and will pay a load of Poles to do it for them.'

image from pixabay

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

Something Similar	eBook, paperback or hardback	Something Different
Research shows all anti-vaxxers voted Brexit	Make someone happy this Christmas	Man converting shed to beach hut in readiness for rising sea levels