Fuel | NewsBiscuit

Trump hands Putin a win-win

Oct 13

Donald Trump’s desperate deal to get diesel prices down is a dismal disaster. Vladimir Putin can hardly believe his luck.

Donald’s deal is to buy diesel from Russia, to bring down prices in the US and to save the Republicans from mid-term election wipe-out. This is good news for Vlad, as he gets to sell fuel to fund his war machine and because it makes Trump look like a loser. Even better, Donald’s deal hasn’t even touched the price of diesel, which is still going up. This means that Vlad gets a nice high price for the fuel.

Behind the scenes, Putin is turning the screw. ‘As you and your so-called allies have been taking the shadow fleet out of service, you’ll have to come and get the oil. Send as many ships as you like. We’ve got lots of diesel.

‘We could maybe speed things up for you in return for, say, Greenland, and cutting Cuba some slack. And maybe stop helping Ukraine. And it wouldn’t cost you anything to tell Europe to eff off again, now would it? And you could quietly ease off the sanctions too, perhaps?

‘And maybe we could help you to fix your mid-term elections properly, like we do in Russia. You don’t know what you’re doing, Donald. It’s sad and pathetic.

‘Anyway, how much diesel would you like to buy today?’

image from Grok

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Ted Hastings told 'sucking diesel' no longer affordable

ChrisF

Oct 9

Line Of Duty's Superintendent Ted Hastings has been ordered by senior BBC executives to stop his practice of sucking diesel, as fuel prices continue to hit record levels.

The go-to practice of Hastings, thought to involve a long piece of tubing attached to a car's fuel tank and used to demonstrate good progress in a tough AC-12 investigation, is to be outlawed with immediate effect, until oil prices begin to drop again.

'Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey, this is a bloody nightmare, fella, let me tell you,' reported a flustered Hastings today. 'I mean what the hell do you expect me to do when things are going well? You'll be telling my granny to suck some eggs instead of diesel, I expect, will you, Sonny Jim?

'Maybe we can suck on some of that lovely water coming up the Lagan in the interim, eh? Well, let's get on with it before I throw that there bloody book at you, followed quickly by the bookcase.'

It is also thought that Hastings will not be permitted to 'cook on gas' either, as wholesale gas prices also continue to rise.

'Unfortunately, we do need to control costs,' said a senior BBC executive. 'Ted's sucking diesel budget in series 6 of Line of Duty alone ran into the millions, and to be honest, it isn't good for his long-term vocal or gastric health.

'Don't worry, we've given him some more economical alternatives, so in series 7 viewers can look forward to Ted Hastings shouting excitedly that he's 'ingesting Hydrotreated Vegetable Oil' and that 'we're chugging on Biogas LNG'.

Image credit: ChatGPT

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Whisky producers release reserves to help ease pain of diesel prices

MartinH

Oct 6

The W4 nations of whisky producers have agreed to release some of their strategic reserves. This should keep prices down, helping more consumers to numb the pain of extortionate diesel prices.

Scotland, Ireland, the US, and Canada made the announcement this week following threats of export bans which could have led to problems on world markets, where prices have been rising steadily.

‘Even Aldi’s budget whisky costs over £15 a litre now; at this rate it will soon be cost-effective to convert my diesel car to run on the stuff,' said someone who didn’t actually realise that whilst a petrol engine can theoretically run on whisky, a diesel one cannot, although the argument did sound plausible in the pub after a couple of pints.

Views across Scotland were mixed. Some felt that countries stopping whisky exports would ultimately damage their economies. Others said that it’s a travesty that anyone apart from the Scots is even allowed to make the stuff.

'A spokesman for the government said, ‘We’d love everyone to buy more whisky and less diesel. A mere 45% of what someone pays for diesel goes in tax, whereas with whisky it’s a whopping 85%.’

Image credit: ChatGPT

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