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Queen’s funeral “to showcase her abiding veneration of Nora Batty”

Writer: Filthy Rich
Filthy Rich
1 day ago



Leaving detailed plans covering every aspect of her funeral, the Queen has bequeathed her delighted subjects one last surprise by commanding it comprise an elegiac homage to classic sitcom ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. The last monarch ever to sit on a horse sideways will also become the first to have their coffin laboriously shoved up the steps of Westminster Abbey sticking out of a rusty wheelbarrow at an angle described reverentially by David Dimbleby as ‘jaunty’.


Breaking with centuries of royal convention, the crown which traditionally adorns the royal casket has been ditched in favour of a pair of wrinkled stockings, which will end up being inexplicably donned by one of the aged/inebriated/incontinent pallbearers after a laboured ‘wardrobe malfunction’ skit involving oversized tweed trousers, bale string, and a RADA-trained ferret called Mr Pickles.


Watched by millions worldwide, the solemn service will close with the ceremonial skidding of the bathtub containing Her Majesty’s mortal remains into the royal vault beneath Windsor Castle, followed by a lovely spread of Mr Kipling mini Battenbergs and Camp coffee for the dozens of heads of state in bewildered attendance.


‘It shouldn’t really be a surprise,’ said a Palace spokesperson, carrying a bucket of ball bearings into St George’s Chapel. ‘As a lady of a certain generation, the Queen didn’t really take to any comedies written after 1978. We’re just glad we managed to talk her out of an Alf Garnet/Love Thy Neighbour interval double-act- let’s face it, the Duke of Edinburgh’s Black and White Minstrel memorial extravaganza remains pretty 'wake-up-clammy-in-the-dark-watches' unbeatable.’




First published 19 Sep 2022


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YouGov poll reveals funeral for King Charles is public's top priority

gichowdotcom
Sep 12

LONDON - As conflict rages in the Middle East and Ukraine, with no end in sight, and oil prices continue to climb, fuelling fears that inflation could accelerate, exacerbating an already harsh cost of living crisis, a bombshell YouGov poll has found the British public's top priority is not world peace, but another royal funeral.


With faith in politicians collapsing over the donations scandal and AI threatening to kill us all, voters say they desperately miss September 2022, when the news cycle stopped for 11 days to discuss where Queen Elizabeth was lying and how her coffin was getting to the next place she would lie.


Cedric Churchill-Jones, 41, told us: 'I yearn for those halcyon days. Remember the queue? Twenty three hours to see a coffin. It gave Britain purpose and hope. Now, all we have to think about is mortgage rates and the cost of butter.'


'I just want the bunting back out,' said Britannia Flagworth, 54, from Tunbridge Wells. 'We should give Charles a beautiful early send-off while he's still around to enjoy the eulogy. I've started building a shrine in my shed entirely out of commemorative tea towels.'


The sentiment has already been channeled into action. A petition on the Parliament website titled 'Give Us Something To Live For - Early Funeral For King Charles Now' has already reached 500,000 signatures, guaranteeing a debate in Parliament next week, where Andy Burnham has promised ministers a free vote.


While most MPs are thought to be in favour of the proposal, there is considerable debate over the timing. Sir John Haze CBE MP opined 'Things can still get one hell of a lot worse so we need to keep our seventy seven gun salute powder dry.'


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