Perfectionist's nightmares about in app game adverts being played appallingly

Janet Wright, a 19.44-year-old perfectionist from Worthing, has been waking up late at night with the sweats. She explained, 'Smartphone applications I use keep forcing adverts on me which are irritating enough in themselves, and they are for silly little games I have no intention of playing. What really grinds my gears though, is that sequences of the games feature them being played terribly by a complete incompetent. To present decision making as horrific as that, I can only imagine they engage the services of Conservative politicians.

'There's this particular one which features a fish gobbling up other fish with clear values attached to them. The imbecile playing keeps choosing the fish with the lower value, like they are Chancellor of the Exchequer. Oh, oh, and this other game where you have to fit shapes into other larger shapes... who did they get to play that one for the advert sequence? The Prime Minister?'

Image: DrMedYourRasenn | Pixabay

Entitled Goose Game

Anticipating that brown envelopes full of cash may dry up once he is ejected from No. 10, Boris Johnson is working with computer game developers on something new and original.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Your character is Prime Minister and faces serious real-world challenges. However you get points for charging around causing chaos, partying, getting laid and lining the pockets of you and your mates.'

Game developer Luke Lyle said 'I renamed Untitled Goose Game, and took their money.'

Hootington-Hurst continued 'Turns out, we've changed one letter from an existing game. Now an 'E' instead of a 'U'. Suella Braverman's legal view is that it's all the EU's fault anyway. Anyone who says otherwise is an enemy of the people.'

Lyle did not anticipate an enquiry into the money spent. 'What are the Tories going to do? Track and Trace me?'

Hurdle - Your daily run with Douglas Hurd

The owner of NewsBiscuit, Sir Hugo Von Biscuit, explained: 'Our daily quiz involves 200m hurdles with a mystery Tory grandee. You have 6 guesses to identify which retired MP is running, just from their gait, girth and the number of their directorships.

'My lawyers have said that any similarity to the popular Wordle is purely coincidental and driven by greed'.

Image: Pixabay/royharryman