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Congratulations to Ingrid Oliver for becoming the person to win the biggest prize ever offered on a TV game show.


Not biggest as in the largest by height or volume, as lucky Brits in the 80s were regularly offered the chance to win caravans and such. But biggest as in best. And also most lucrative.


Actor and comedian Ingrid appeared on the celebrity game show Richard Osman's House of Games, and when asked what she had won, responded 'Richard Osman.' Ingrid and Richard will be married later this year at a ceremony once a building has been invented where Richard doesn't have to stoop to enter through the main entrance doors.


It is normal practice for celebrities who win game shows to offer the entirety of their winnings to charity. It is unclear which charity Mr. Osman will end up at, but probably not the Jeff Bezos Foundation for Pretending to Give a Crap.


Non-celebrity contestant Julie McCabe from Fife said, 'Bloody celebs always get the best stuff. When I won The Chase, I didn't even get a sniff of a shot at Bradley Walsh. I even would've accepted that I had to share him with three other contestants.'


Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash


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Squid Game - it's the TV show everyone is talking about, where the old games we used to play in the school yard are given a post-modern K-drama, life or death twist. But what's left for series 2? Maybe the archives of old kids gameshows on TVs can provide some inspiration. Here are our top 7 formats that might be used in Squid Game


1. Cheggers Plays Pop - contestants have to take part in a series of inflatable or ball-based games, set to loud K-pop music. The Front Man departs from his traditional black mask and uniform, and instead dons a colourful T-shirt and flared jeans, adopting an overly familiar manner with participants throughout the show. The losing team are jovially put to death by the Front Man, but not before a three minute interlude from a current band, whilst everyone arses around on the inflatables.



2. We are the Champions - Many of the elements of this format have already been stolen by Squid Game, such as the requirement for participants to wear green tracksuits and have a vacant, downtrodden look. In the full reboot, players have to endure an excruciating Question and Answer session with a current sportsperson before being invited to compete in a series of events in a swimming pool, where the rafts and dinghies used are never quite big enough for all the players. The Front Man adopts the persona of a friendly school PE teacher, albeit one who oddly has a swanny whistle in his pocket which he deploys at random times to confuse players. Those that lose their lives are sent off with a cheery 'Away You Go!' from the host, as the theme music fades in.


3. Fun House - players compete in teams, working their way through fairground style assault course games, with commentary and insight provided by the Front Man, donning an improbable blonde mullet haircut, and tight stonewashed jeans. Death for losers comes almost as a merciful release from the annoying theme tune that is constantly playing.


4. Runaround - players have to answer surprisingly straightforward questions by moving to a particular part of the arena. Questions are asked by the Front Man, who for this part of the show wears tight white jeans, dark glasses, and talks in a really gruff South London accent. In a unique twist, players get the chance to give their opponents the 'runaround' by changing their answers at the last minute. Anyone who looks like they are copying others' answers are immediately culled, the cheating bastards.


5. Mallett's Mallet - two participants have to play a classic word association game. The Front Man wears comedy shirts and shorts, and is expected to maintain his buffoon-style schtick throughout. In a development from the 1980s version, any hesitation or repetition is met with a whack on the head from a 50kg lead-filled mallet until they expire.


6. Record Breakers - Beat the Expert. Here, the Front Man employs a clever assistant who has an encyclopaedic knowledge of all Guinness World Records. Players have one chance to quiz the assistant about a particular record. If he knows the answer - which he always does - that, unfortunately, is the end for the player, who leaves this earth to a rendition of 'Dedication' from the Front Man.


7. Finders Keepers - the thinking person's kids TV show gets a K-drama makeover. Participants play a seemingly dull game of battleships but are exterminated by a cannon from an actual battleship at the end should they lose. The Front Man plays a quirky and catchy theme tune throughout on an early 1980s synthesiser.





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