'I've already got Christmas sorted,' claims smarmy bastard

An insufferable bastard has already paid for, wrapped and planned a wonderful Christmas, he has revealed to family and friends.

With each gift lovingly considered and bought way back in September, James Stubbs, from Surrey, claims he "could have Christmas tomorrow" if needs be, suggesting that men who plan Christmas last minute should reconsider their priorities.

'I don't get the hostility from fellow husbands and dads out there, it's not like I'm making them look bad,' said the 38 year old, who already has a heart-meltingly wonderful Valentine's Day 2024 nailed.

'I guess I just care too much. Is that a thing, caring too much? Perhaps it is.'

Not everyone was impressed, however. 'I'm sick and tired of him making the rest of us men look bad, I do my best,' said frustrated neighbour, Nigel, who last year did all of his shopping on Christmas Eve at the Esso petrol station.

'I'm absolutely certain she said needed engine oil and new wiper blades. I did buy her a Kit-Kat Chunky too.'

Story: benjani

Photo by Rodion Kutsaiev on Unsplash

First published 28 Oct 2023

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That five million pounds: an explanation

The five million quid was a gift to guarantee my security. I bought an expensive house, because it would be easier to secure, and I bought some of those switches to turn the lights on and off to make it look like you're at home.  And I need the rest of the money for my other safe houses. I can't say where they are, I'm afraid.  At least one of them is in Britain.  I needed security because I wasn't going to be an MP, and lots of people were very upset about that.

The money also covers dry cleaning for my suits - getting out banana milkshake, for example.

No, wait. It's a reward for achieving Brexit. 27 years work. That's only £185k a year. Not that it was a payment.  It was a non-taxable reward - for me, not the country.  It is a reward for things that I've done in the past. There is no expectation that I might do anything in return, in the future.

Actually, it was a lottery win. No, I didn't keep the ticket. Yes, it was a British lottery. Definitely not EuroMillions.

I found it in the street in Westminster. I took it to the police, but nobody claimed it, so it's mine.

I won it, after betting on myself to win I'm a Celebrity.

I earned it on Cameo, but I earned it outside the country so it's not taxable. That's what Angela told me, anyway.

I had a really valuable Pokémon card, which I sold for five million quid.  A picture of a lizard that evolves into a toad, or something.  It was called Chameleozard, I think. That's where the money came from.

It's not my money, it was just resting in my account.

Can we talk about something else now?

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Reform Ltd to encourage Grift Aid

Subscribers to the hate outlet store that doubles as one of Nigel Farage's pensions have decided that MBHA (Making Britain Hate Again) is essentially a charity, not a political movement.

'Sure, we have political leanings,' said a spokesman for Reform Ltd today, 'but we clearly don't take that part seriously.  Check out Nigel's surgeries in Clacton, for example.  Or his appearances in Parliament.  We exist to ensure Nigel has enough money to put food on the table - his table , definitely not your average or sub-average Reform voter's table - and to ensure he can retire whenever the situation looks like he might have to work for a living.

'We're looking at changing the registration for Reform to achieve charity status - with one beneficiary.  Our Nige, may he rest in tax haven.

'So, when you renew your Reform membership, if you are a UK tax payer (major donors can ignore this bit, obvs), please tick the Grift Aid box and we'll ensure that the taxpayer adds 25% to your donation.

image from pixabay