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'Sea levels rising because fish are getting fatter,' say scientists


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Governments are rushing to revise climate change plans after the latest news that sea levels are rising not from carbon emissions but a worldwide epidemic of marine obesity.


Over-eating has become a major problem, with many whales being up to five tons overweight, says fish expert Dr Alan Knox. 'There's just less room for the water.' he explains with his PowerPoint diagram.


'We need a major diet plan and lifestyle makeover for fish, or Birmingham will be under 10ft of water by 2050,' warns Dr Knox, who absolutely denies any ties to the oil industry. 'They're just lazing around eating plankton all day and getting no exercise.'


HKnow goes on to explain the problem also has implications for the film industry: 'Most marine predators are too fat to chase anyone anymore. I don't know how you'd make Jaws nowadays. You'd need a stairlift to move the shark around. As for Moby Dick, you could just lure him to a Weight-Watchers Anonymous meeting and slap a harpoon into him.'


However, the good news is that Britain's motorways are free of eco protesters for the first time in a year. 'It's great to be able to move around again without any hassle.' says commuter David Grace. 'The Extinction Rebellion crowd have all gone off to sea to fat-shame the whales.'



COP26: A Delegate's Guide

Updated: Nov 26, 2021


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Morning Queues


What should have been a simple process of rocking up to the venue entrance, showing your credentials, and undergoing a brief security search before gaining admittance, has been made much trickier by United Nations officials deciding that when in Britain delegates should participate in that most British of activities, queueing. Attendees will therefore be stuck for hours, continually assessing the relative speed of the adjacent lanes.


Speeches


Lots of these. Lots and lots and lots of these. Mostly ‘very important people’ who have flown thousands of miles in fuel guzzling aircraft to say the same thing. To put it in an eco-friendly, sustainably grown nutshell, “Cut CO2 emissions, reduce carbon footprint, stop deforestation, reduce fossil fuels. Blah, blah blah. “Recordings of these speeches will be on sale anyway as they are just as effective as whale song for relaxation, cures for insomnia, or for Mums-to-be in birthing pools.


The Green Zone


A highly fortified area of central Baghdad, not usually renowned for hosting events, workshops, cultural performances, music and film, all focussing on climate action. Clearly designed to make the Iraqi delegates feel at home with the addition of a nightly fireworks display.


Informal Gatherings


A chance for attendees to make the right noises to other attendees, exchange pleasantries over an artisan croissant and fair-trade organic coffee, and basically expound upon their climate crisis credentials. Definitely one of the key motivations for being there, achieving that overall feeling of smug self-satisfaction.


The Delusional Lounge


A safe space for senior delegates and politicians to group together without social distancing and to become entirely inebriated while convincing themselves they have saved the planet by collectively flying three million air miles and running the hotel heating on full for the entirety of their stay, simply by pledging to do too little, too late and not really meaning it anyway The lounge is expected to be full every night.





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