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Extracts from God's diary

7th day. Knackered after creating heavens and earth. Feel like fool - forgot omnipotent deity can give Himself 5-day week.


Added new attraction to Garden of Eden theme park: "Meet serpent who gives dietary advice."


Maybe went too far with Great Flood. Facing huge water bill plus possible genocide charges.


Sodom just asking for fire and brimstone treatment - who names their town after anal sex act?


3rd degree burns. Good thing Moses had bucket of water handy. What made me think hiding in burning bush was good idea?


Egyptxit. Chosen people finally let go. Pharaohs sure slow to take hint: gnats, boils, locusts, death of firstborn. Was about to try breakfast TV on them.


Red Sea parted. God: 1. Laws of physics: 0.


Israelites reach Promised Land. Will move in some Palestinians just to keep things interesting.


Giving it to Job good and hard. Keeps saying "Blessed be the name of the Lord!" Think I've just invented sadomasochism.


Much hassle from Monopolies Commission. Hope they fall for "three persons in one God" trick.




Neptune Supports Ledecky for Mount Olympus



Neptune, the Roman god of the seas, has invited American amateur swimmer Katie Ledecky to the join the pantheon of gods residing on Mount Olympus. 'Ledecky has mastered the waves in a manner that, to be absolutely candid, puts me to shame,' Neptune said in a press release. In a subsequent interview, Neptune said 'Let's be honest – I can wreck a trireme fleet as easily as anyone, but if I tried to swim the way she did in the 1500 metres, I'd burst my aorta.'



Ledecky would be the first mortal admitted to the Olympian pantheon since Caesar Augustus, Rome's greatest emperor. 'He's a bit of a bore,' Neptune admitted, 'always banging on about Pompey this and Cleopatra that.' Neptune hopes that Ledecky would bring 'a fresh perspective' to a pantheon that critics assert has lost much of its relevance in recent centuries.



Neptune also hopes that Ledecky would be willing to share some of her physical skills and mental discipline with the mermaids, with whom Neptune has had a frequently contentious relationship. 'All they do is sit around sunning themselves on rocks – bloody useless if you ask me,' Neptune said. Reached for comment, a representative of the Global Mermaids Union rejected Neptune's characterization, calling him 'a soggy old fart who's well past his sell-by date.' 'The tide's gone out on Neptune,' the representative continued, 'and all he's capable of now is beaching the odd whale.'



Ledecky's agent declined to be interviewed on whether the swimmer would seize this chance at immortality. However, in a statement posted to social media, the agent seemed to leave Ledecky's door to Mount Olympus at least slightly ajar. 'Katie is completely focused on achieving immortality through her athletic efforts,' the statement said. 'Which mountains she chooses to climb after that will be her decision.'


Image: Wix AI

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