The Chancellor has announced that a funding boost for British culture, such as provided by the BBC, is to come from a special tax on foreign-owned golf courses.
It is thought this tax will raise at least £1bn.
Photo by Courtney Cook on Unsplash
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US president Donald Trump says he will be ruining the famous US versus European golf tournament by showing up to it in September. "Security will clear all the other spectators off the course while I am there, because I'm more important than them," bragged Trump. "They will also deport all the European players back to El Salvador, or wherever they come from.
"It'll just be me shouting 'Get in the hole,' while our invincible American heroes play their shots, and all the cameras will be on me because of the noise I'm making."
Donald Trump has also been telling the Ryder Cup selectors who should play in the US team and who should captain it. "People are saying I should be the team coach," he lied. "They're saying I could do wonders for the Ryder Cup players by teaching how to kick their balls out of the rough, toss them out of bunkers, and knock their contestants' balls off the green.
"I'll also be buying the course the Ryder Cup is played on using a stache of dirty money I'd hidden away from the taxman. Then I'll expel all the match marshals, so our great American sportsmen will be able to do what the hell they like.
"It will totally ruin the 2025 Ryder Cup, and kill the tournament for ever afterwards, but you have to get used to that kind of thing while I'm alive.
"Go Team USA!"
Organisers of the British Open have announced that the golf tournament could take place at Turnberry again only if cheating at golf ceases to be one of the most heinous crimes ever devised. The Royal and Ancient explained that golf prides itself on its long history of self-policing etiquette and absolute respect for the rules, and those that break them are as socially unacceptable as women were in golf clubs until Gordon Brown interfered.
The statement by the Royal and Ancient follows a recent round played at Turnberry by US President Donald Trump during which the level of sportsmanship expected of all competitors while on the course owned by his family was explicitly demonstrated.  The British Open has not been held at Turnberry since Trump bought the course in 2014, despite him declaring it the best course anywhere in the world for caddies to carry lots of spare balls to drop on the fairways and greens in case his gets lost. 'The players all want to be at Turnberry,' Trump told reporters before his round which he completed without any penalty strokes at all, despite losing 24 balls. It is understood that there were absolutely no instances at all of Trump kicking his ball into better positions during the round, so none of his playing partners needed to refer to him as 'Pele' this time.
Some members of the media considered Trump apparently cheating at golf was just the latest attempt to distract everyone from the Epstein files. However, many golfers around the world regarded it as far worse than anything he may have been involved in with his alleged paedophile former best buddy, who he has never met.
image from pixabay
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