China Tees Off On Trump

The ongoing trade war between China and the Trump administration looks set to end abruptly after the Chinese government dealt Donald Trump a devastating blow. The Chinese government has purchased the majority shares in every single golf tee manufacturing company on the planet, and has decided to move all golf tee production to China.

With the new tariffs set by Trump, the price of a set of four standard golf tees has risen from around $3 to around $8. On top of that, China has decided to set a blanket export tax for all goods from China to the USA, of $20,000. Therefore, a set of four standard golf tees will cost the flatulent President, $20,008 each.

Upon receiving the news, and with no golf tees to take to Scotland when he visits the King on his second state visit to the UK, President Trump issued the following statement:

‘I love the Chinese. I love the Chinese people, I love the Chinese culture, I love the Chinese food. They’re a nation of great wall builders – fantastic walls. You know they have a wall you can see from space? With the naked eye, from space you can see their walls – fantastic walls – fantastic people. And crackers to die for – I love their crackers.

Honestly, I wish we could build walls like the Chinese – a very proud people. Very proud of their walls’.

The world waits and watches with baited breath to see what the results of this power move from the Chinese will be.

image from pixabay

North Korean Missile Silo/Golf Course Only Launches on Hole-in-One

After Pyongyang admitted a ballistic missile silo had been disguised by placing it inside a golf course, engineers revealed a series of failsafes have been incorporated into the grounds to prevent an accidental launch.

'It's quite simple'" one of the technicians told us. 'To launch a missile, you have to be standing on the eighteenth tee and score a hole-in-one. Given that the hole is over 500 yards long, it should be impossible for anyone to do this other than the Supreme Leader. After all, his father hit five aces on his first ever round, so it only stands to reason that his son, who's an even bigger golfing prodigy, should find such a distance facile.'

Photo by ping lee on Unsplash

Tories urge that golf courses rush to identify any ancient walkways on their land

Golf courses are now in a hurry to identify any historic walkways on their land which the public enjoy a right to use, as they are now at risk to having compulsory purchase orders placed on the land for house building.

The move follows a previous plan by the Tory party to set a deadline of 2031, beyond which historic but unrecorded public paths and bridleways needed to be mapped so that farmers who own golf courses would legally be able to tell ramblers to get orf their land or pay for golf club membership.

The Labour government has however scrapped this deadline, since mapped rights of way might cause issues when it begins building homes on the land where golf clubs had existed, before the golfers were turfed off and the wasted land gets used for building desperately needed homes.

The deputy Labour leader told Newsbiscuit that she would hate to learn her house had been built on an unmapped right of way and have to get out of the bath to open her front door every time a group of muddy-booted ramblers or horse riders use their ancient right to pass through her house and that she doubted first time homebuyers would like it either, so it’s better to know where the pathways are first.

Age Concern however is hoping that mapping the ancient walkways might identify some footpaths which have had houses built on them, as this may attract ramblers who will give pensioners a bit of company, albeit briefly; and could help them put their bins out for the dustmen.

Pensioner Arthur Smollett, said he wouldn’t mind it if his house turned out to be built on a bridleway, because his begonias could use a bit of horse manure now and again.

Image: MeganLeeB - Pixabay

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