“This may be last Agincourt Day commemoration” laments retired colonel

Retired Colonel Reginald Bradshaw-Wallace, formerly of the 14th Foot and Mouth Regiment, admitted sadly today that this year might be the last commemoration of the Battle of Agincourt in 1415. 

'I was initially enraged by the suggestion that after a mere 610 years, it might be time to call it a day,” the colonel told other drinkers in the bar of his Golf Club.' Though I must admit that it does get harder to get people interested in it.

'The BBC has refused to televise it ever since… well, as long as the BBC’s existed, to be honest. And the number of people turning out.,, well, actually it’s just been me for the past few decades. Not so much a parade as an old man trying to remember where the post office used to be.

'But that doesn’t diminish my enjoyment of it, not at all. As I remember that day when we marched forward to the strains of Elgar, ready to knock the hun for six, cannon to the left of us, cannon to the right of us, and gentlemen in England now abed shall fight them on the landing grounds, and in the streets…'

At this point, he was gently escorted back to the day room and propped up in his usual easy chair.

Photo by Casper Johansson on Unsplash

China Tees Off On Trump

The ongoing trade war between China and the Trump administration looks set to end abruptly after the Chinese government dealt Donald Trump a devastating blow. The Chinese government has purchased the majority shares in every single golf tee manufacturing company on the planet, and has decided to move all golf tee production to China.

With the new tariffs set by Trump, the price of a set of four standard golf tees has risen from around $3 to around $8. On top of that, China has decided to set a blanket export tax for all goods from China to the USA, of $20,000. Therefore, a set of four standard golf tees will cost the flatulent President, $20,008 each.

Upon receiving the news, and with no golf tees to take to Scotland when he visits the King on his second state visit to the UK, President Trump issued the following statement:

‘I love the Chinese. I love the Chinese people, I love the Chinese culture, I love the Chinese food. They’re a nation of great wall builders – fantastic walls. You know they have a wall you can see from space? With the naked eye, from space you can see their walls – fantastic walls – fantastic people. And crackers to die for – I love their crackers.

Honestly, I wish we could build walls like the Chinese – a very proud people. Very proud of their walls’.

The world waits and watches with baited breath to see what the results of this power move from the Chinese will be.

image from pixabay

North Korean Missile Silo/Golf Course Only Launches on Hole-in-One

After Pyongyang admitted a ballistic missile silo had been disguised by placing it inside a golf course, engineers revealed a series of failsafes have been incorporated into the grounds to prevent an accidental launch.

'It's quite simple'" one of the technicians told us. 'To launch a missile, you have to be standing on the eighteenth tee and score a hole-in-one. Given that the hole is over 500 yards long, it should be impossible for anyone to do this other than the Supreme Leader. After all, his father hit five aces on his first ever round, so it only stands to reason that his son, who's an even bigger golfing prodigy, should find such a distance facile.'

Photo by ping lee on Unsplash