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An innovative policy, soon to be launched by the government, is to have foodstuffs labelled with a colour-coding scheme, based on linking the healthiness of supermarket food, to the colours political parties identify themselves.


A spokesliar for the government told Newsbiscuit, that after countless focus group meetings, it had been established that the best way to get people to realise how harmful crap food is to their health, is to link it to other things they’ve realised are damaging to their health, such as voting for the effing Tories.


The colour-coding scheme identifies Reform UK turquoise as the most toxic, with Conservative blue, close behind.


Liberal orange is identified as probably safe, but likely to be devoid of any flavour.


Labour red scores highly in the traffic light scheme in terms of health, but a surprise, was finding green gets a poor rating, as the expectation is that Jeremy Corbyn’s new party would drain the Green Party of all its vegan and bleedin’ cyclist voters, leading to uncertainty over the dietary value of any food product carrying a green label.


image from pixabay


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The Government says that prisoners will replace immigrants in providing social care.


Visas for foreign care workers are being scrapped. The work will instead be done by low risk prisoners.


The Government says that this is a win-win. The scheme frees up prison places, trains convicts to help them get work on release, and reduces costs for social care providers who will not have to pay the prisoners for their work.


But charities supporting the elderly are worried about the scheme. They believe that elderly people will learn bad habits from their carers, and may end up running romance scams, drug rings or illegal immigration schemes. Old people in care may have no compunction in turning to crime. If they have sold their homes to pay for care, then they may turn to crime to get revenge.


Colin Dodd, aged 971/2, is disappointed. 'Where are the robots? We've been promised robots for ages but I reckon they are too expensive, don't work and have all been swiped by the rich.


'I've got nothing against criminals - after all, someone has to run the country. And I've got nothing against healthcare workers . They are all very badly paid, apart from the ones who work for agencies. Them lot are coining it in - premium rates, triple shifts, overtime, the lot.


'I reckon a robot would be more effective, more patient and better spoken. If possible, I'd like to be looked after by Buzz Lightyear. He'd be able to find my teeth, remember than I'm quite deaf, and help me to achieve my dream of learning to fly.'





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Work on the new Maglev line has been stopped two miles from the edge of the Brum Megopolis after workers discovered rails that may have been buried over one hundred years ago. Experts believe these may be the remains of the now long forgotten HS2 project.


Spokesperson, Ivor Trowel, told reporters 'we are confident in our findings. This is the classic vanity project that collapsed in on itself; much the same as the Egyptian Pyramids, the Trump Library of Culture, and the Rwandan Relocation Project.


'Myth has it that high priests thought that they would save several minutes on a line dedicated to taking the dead to the darklands of the Northern Desert. In fact they wasted whole years and ended up precisely nowhere.

'Ee, civilisations eh? Ya cuddent mek it up'.



First published 18 June 2022



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