Government achieves substantial growth in the can-kicking industry

The British can-kicking industry is booming – after a kick-start from the government. Critics say that it would be much cheaper to ship the cans to China, for them to be kicked there using forced labour. And savings would be even greater if China also supplied the cans. The debate about whether we should export the cans for kicking or preserve our own can-kicking industry, probably by inviting immigrants to come and kick them for us, continues.

Although he has not yet set up a Can Kicking Czar, Keir Starmer has already declared a series of milestones, to measure the progress of the cans in their trajectory. He is understood to have also created an equal opportunities monitoring committee, to ensure diversity in the cans being kicked – large, small, steel and aluminium cans – and among the kickers – women, men, and undecided. And there is a health-and-safety committee to assess the risk of the can going in the wrong direction and hitting someone.

However, there are still questions about funding. Who's going to supply the can, and the boots for the kicker? Which can company will get the lucrative contract to supply the can, and the boots? And what about the long grass? Where should it be? In London as usual? Or would regional long grass better deliver levelling up?

When praised for his 'can do' attitude, one government minister said, 'Those who can kick cans do, and those who cannot kick cans set up commissions to study who might be kicked into action as can-kickers.'

[ Hat-tip to deskpilot ]

Petition to stop the use of petitions passes two million signatures

A petition submitted to the UK Parliament petitions website calling for an end to the acceptance of petitions as a means to obtain parliamentary debate on the matter raised in the petition had passed the two million signature mark as of 11.35 and 19 seconds. 2 million and 1, 2 million and 8, 2 million and 11, 2 million and 16…

Critics of the petitioning system say it’s just a way for angry phone-in callers and students to weaponise their names, with many actually going on to talk about their involvement in signing a petition as if it were a measure of personal sacrifice and national service, thus getting them off the need to do anything materially practical to improve other people’s lives for up to 5 years afterwards. The current rules are:

- At 10,000 signatures, the government will formally respond.

- At 100,000 signatures, the request will be considered by the petitions committee for debate in Parliament.

- At 10,000,000 signatures, Starmer comes round your house and says the government is ‘listening.’

- At 15,000,000 signatures, the petition gets its own Netflix documentary.

- At 20,000,000 signatures, everyone realizes its Chinese bots.

The petition, organized by a group calling themselves The Anti-Petitions Petitioners Petition Lobby, is, however, drawing the ire of a rival organization, Bring Up Smart Young Consciously Upstanding Newly Trained Students (or BUSYC*%TS), known for its zeal in organizing and submitting petitions on matters as diverse as human trafficking and white dog shit.

A spokesperson for BUSYC*%TS said, ‘By petitioning against petitions, The Anti-Petitions Petitioners Petition Lobby is petitioning for petitions to be…’ but suddenly trailed off, claiming the word ‘petition’ was starting to sound odd, like one of those words that the more you repeat or say it, it sounds phonetically random, bizarre, with meaning divorcing itself from letter arrangement, and, finally slapping one ear with the palm of his hand, walked away.

Meanwhile, as of 11.37 and 39 seconds, the petition submitted to the UK Parliament petitions website calling for an end to the acceptance of petitions as a means to obtain parliamentary debate on the matter raised in the petition had passed the. 2 million 157 mark, 2 million 161, 2 million 163…

Image: Pixabay/maximilianovich

Dick Turpin knighted in New Year’s Honours

It was announced today that notorious highwayman Dick Turpin will receive a knighthood in the New Year’s Honours list.

“We realise it’s a controversial choice,” said palace spokesman Sir Anthony Bufton-Tufton. “But if we’re going to knight Sadiq ‘Ferengi’ Khan, whose main achievement is the amount he’s extorted from motorists, doing the same for Dick Turpin isn’t that much of a stretch.”

However, some have complained that Turpin’s methods lacked the finesse of Khan’s.

“I mean, pointing a pistol at people, it’s so vulgar. And frankly unnecessary, when these days we have speed/ULEZ/congestion charge cameras that let you rob people without having to be there in person.

“Likewise the amount of money Turpin stole is frankly pathetic. He gouged less from road users in his whole criminal career than Khan gets on a slow Tuesday!

“And of course, Turpin never pretended to be motivated by anything but greed - there was no flannel about the environment, road safety or even robbing the rich to give to the poor. If we start giving out honours to reward honesty, where does it end?”

Others objected that Turpin was unsuitable on the grounds of being long dead, but it was decided this requirement, if adopted, might prejudice many current members of the House of Lords.

Image: Pixabay/webandi