Nurses to make up their wages with tips, says Reeves.

Chancellor of the Exchequer, and proud owner of a Casio calculator watch, Rachel Reeves, has announced that to save the NHS money, nurses salaries could be made up with tips from satisfied patients.

"We do it for hairdressers, waiters and taxi drivers, so why not NHS staff?" she is alleged to have said after her third glass of sherry, at 9am on Boxing Day. "It could save us £20 billion a year in salaries, allowing us to spend more money on hospitals, schools, public transport, and biscuits."

"Patients could tip nurses for the services they provide. For example, we recommend a couple of quid for giving out medication, a fiver for helping patients to the toilet, and a tenner for a sponge bath. A nurse's earnings could exceed £50000 a year, if they find themselves on the right ward." 

A spokesman for the government has assured us that this is not official government policy, nurses will not have to buy their own uniforms from Ann Summers, and that Ms Reeves had only had a few hours' sleep and had eaten just three Quality Streets and a Celebration for breakfast that day. 

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

Government's Handling of Sewage Leaks an utter '$hit Show'

Author: lostandflounder

Met Office issues nationwide alert for Dull Day Keir

"Storms Bert and Darragh have been harrowing events," said a visibly anxious spokesman for the Met Office.

"Many of you took them rather lightly and drove your cars or went sailing in the high winds. That might be because of the silly names we gave them.

"However, no one should underestimate the horrendous impact that the next big weather event is likely to have.

"We warn everyone in the UK to stock up on good books and gin so they can endure 'Dull Day Keir'.

"We forecast it will be the most dreary, dismal, slate-grey weather on record since the Major administration.

"The Met Office has put in place an alert system ìn which a cuckoo that you never knew was in there emerges from a clock in your home once every hour, setting 'milestones' and 'foundation stones' for a little less drizzle later on.

"Needless to say, the cuckoo will be lying, but only to take your mind off the unremitting gloom of living through these twenty-four hours.

"We have already warned NHS hospital trusts to free up beds in intensive care wards to treat a surge of people who have chewed their arms off to try and alleviate the appalling tedium of the day.

"To try and get through Dull Day Keir, please remember this slogan: 'Stay Home, Stay Safe, Kick yourselves hard for voting someone this unutterably boring into power'.

"Good luck, everyone."

Image: Pixabay/AlKalenski