Government to offer pensioners ‘winter pants'

The Government has accepted that withdrawing the winter fuel allowance will affect many pensioners.  Although it is adamant that the policy change cannot be reversed, it has, in a conciliatory move, announced transitional measures to help the worst affected.

‘Obviously,’ said a spokesman, ‘we would ideally help pensioners to insulate their draughty homes.  But this would not be affordable.  Our new policy approach, therefore, is to insulate the pensioners rather than the homes.

‘We will offer all pensioners two pairs of high-performance thermal under-drawers to keep them warm this winter, and for the next five years.  These garments are favoured by polar explorers and are colloquially known as ‘winter pants’.  We are providing two pairs so that pensioners can wear one pair while the other pair is in the wash.   If winter temperatures remain below zero for five successive days then this will trigger the issue of a third pair (requires internet access, opt-in, newsletter sign-up and Labour votes in local elections).

‘I’m expecting some dim-witted headlines about the policy being pants. My only comment is the failed Tory opposition had a portfolio of policies which were all pants.’

image from pixabay

Labour Cabinet members play Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore

The members of Keir Starmer’s cabinet have devised their own political version of Snog, Marry, Avoid.  It's called Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore and it helps them to manage scarce resources and to prioritise where to put the effort in.  However, Sir Keir has sworn his cabinet members to secrecy and told them that this method of decision-making must never become public.

An insider, speaking off the record, suggested considering the challenges posed by water companies, teachers, and rail drivers. By discussing these using the Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore criteria, the issues can be solved fairly easily.  Pay the teachers, nationalise water and ignore the train drivers.

 The next test is rail companies, Harland and Wolff, and doctors. You’ve probably solved that one too. Pay off doctors, nationalise railways and ignore Harland and Wolff.

Each Department is being encouraged to review its challenges using the game.  For example, in defence the three challenges are NATO, troop numbers and procurement. These are easily fixed by paying off NATO, nationalising procurement and ignoring troop numbers.

The methodology can even be applied to Labour Party members. For example, consider the challenges of Tony Blair, Diane Abbott and Jeremy Corbyn. This conundrum is easily solved by paying off Tony Blair, ignoring Diane Abbott and ignoring Jeremy Corbyn. OK. That one doesn’t quite work, but you get the idea.  Maybe a better answer is snog Tony Blair, marry Diane Abbott and avoid Jeremy Corbyn...

Image credit: Wix AI

Starmer to crush criminal gangs, starting with his Cabinet

Much to his surprise, the new PM has discovered most criminal activity happens within an one mile radius of No.10. Explained one police officer: 'If you want a deviant or an embezler, just visit the House of Commons tea rooms.'

Bribery and corruption are standard, although Ministers have the good grace to make it tax deductible. Frustratingly for Starmer the courts are at breaking point, but he has had the genius idea to ennoble the worst offenders and use the Lords as a low-security prison.

Thanks to tip offs from Sir Keir, Interpol are on the look out for a notorious fraudster, with links to sex trafficking and war crimes. In other news Peter Mandelson has fled to Uruguay.

Image: Pixabay/paul Bloch