Scottish stationer asks how long next First Minister likely to last

Renowned Scottish stationer McCreedy’s has protested at yet another job being sent back because it was out of date by the time they delivered it.

”We’d produced the complete set of personalised stationery for Holyrood - letterheads, comp slips, envelopes - all referencing Humza Yousaf as First Minister. And on the very morning we deliver it, the bugger resigns. 

“We vowed not to take any more Westminster jobs after the Liz Truss fiasco, which led to tonnes of paper having to be pulped, but Edinburgh seems just as bad these days.”

The spokesmen went on to say they’d be seeking guarantees before accepting any more orders from Holyrood. “For example, is the new First Minister in coalition with another party he’s about to massively piss off?”

Asked if they were also concerned Scotland might achieve independence, with all the reprinting that would require, the spokesman laughed and said “No, I don’t think so. It’s the paradox of Scottish politics that the Nats will always be in power, often with a huge majority, but in a referendum the people will always reject their one and only policy. We’re a bit like teenagers who constantly moan about their parents but never quite have the balls to leave home.”

Image: Pixabay/PIRO4D

Homeless veterans to dress as tanks to attract funding

As arms spending sky rockets - literally with sky rockets - the UK's homeless have tried to capitalize on this by sleeping inside cannons, in the hope of being mistaken for a threadbare missile. Only by getting some of that sweet, sweet military appropriation, can they get their very own silo, with top of the range camouflage and space for a loft extension.

Said one activist: 'For a fraction of the defense budget, we could end homelessness and still have enough change leftover to buy Belguim. For £2bn we could give everyone a home and still keep the option open to bomb them later, if we change our minds.

'Not only does the MoD have vast amounts of land and wealth, it has stockpiles of decommissioned vehicles that could be converted into bullet proof homes, all pre-painted - if you happen to like battle ship grey. All the homeless need to do is pretend to be soldiers, which is ironic given that most of them were.'

Image: Pixabay/1681551

Voting against the government ‘technically a hate crime’ says government

The government has reminded voters going to the polls on Thursday that not voting Conservative is technically a peaceful protest, and protesting peacefully has been outlawed under the Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill.  'We have ruled that peaceful protests are essentially a hate crime, just as black is white and Rwanda is completely safe,' said a government spokesman today.

'People attempting to enter polling stations with the intention of voting for candidates who are not Conservative will be turned away or arrested if suspected of thinking of glueing themselves to the voting booths,' added the spokesman. Voters will be checked for suitable documentation before being allowed to vote.  Proof of identity, such as a Conservative membership card, will be checked.

‘  If potential voters don't have suitable ID’ said the spokesperson, ‘then we will take a rolled-up copy of that day's Daily Mail as evidence of reasonableness.’

Hat-tip Sinnick

Image: Pixabay/mounsey