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Government cracks down on the grumbling industry


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The government has vowed to help more people kick the habit of grumbling by restricting their right to vote. From the 4th May grumblers will be turned away from polling stations if they are deemed to be voting too often.


One grumbler said: ‘It got so bad I was voting every chance I got. General elections, local elections, you name it. I was finally offered help by the government and was able to turn my life around. I’ve stopped grumbling altogether and asked my local council to put a block on my polling cards.’


If you have a problem with grumbling, you can call the National Grumbling Helpline which offers free advice and counselling. Voting – together we can beat it.

Government named as sponsor for Ant & Dec's new show: "I'm a UK Diplomat... Get Me Out Of Here"


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The Government has been named as sponsors for Ant & Dec's new show: 'I'm a UK Diplomat... Get Me Out Of Here'.


Speaking to reporters, a Foreign Ministry spokesman commented: 'I'm sure the lads will do a great job. What's more, I know our self-serving diplomats will happily eat arses, cocks, anuses, not to mention freshly baked animal feces if it ensures they get out of the world's trouble spots before our ordinary nationals who are either working abroad or perhaps on holiday.'


One diplomat told us: 'I'll do whatever it takes to get my lardy and cowardly bum in a seat aboard one of those evacuation planes. You'd better believe it.'


When it was suggested perhaps it might be more in-keeping with his duties to first assist regular British citizens to leave these countries safely, he said. 'F*ck that for a game of soldiers. Because you see I'm very important, and sadly... I'm rather afraid they're not.'



Scottish seat of government moved to HMP Edinburgh


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It has been decided that since so many high ranking members of the SNP are under police investigation, but this probably won’t stop Scots voting for them, the simplest thing is to make HMP Edinburgh the official seat of the Scottish government.


It’s thought votes and press conferences will now be held in the visiting area, to allow those SNP MSPs not yet in prison to take part as well.


The move will involve some changes of nomenclature, a party spokesman admitted today. Party Treasurer Colin Beattie will now become Head of the Escape Committee, whereas former Chief Executive (and Nicola Sturgeon’s husband) Peter Murrell will henceforth be known as “the daddy of B wing”.


The spokesman denied there was anything suspicious about Sturgeon visiting her husband using the motorhome they allegedly bought with party funds, and it definitely wasn’t part of an escape attempt. He also confirmed that her wig would be thoroughly searched, both on the way in and the way out.



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