Government to cap train fares and golf club memberships

The government has demonstrated it is listening to the woes of the UK population, and has promised to take action to limit increases in rail fares, golf club membership fees, the price of Chianti, and other things that middle-class Conservative voters often spend money on.

'We are very aware of the opinion poll, sorry, cost of living crisis,' said Marjorie Runcorn, Minister for August, "and these decisive steps will make sure that Just About Managing Very Nicely families - and, if necessary, those without children too - will not personally feel the pinch. We are confident that this should help the party - sorry, the country - get through the winter.'

Asked if she might follow the lead of Greater Manchester and also cut bus fares, Ms Runcorn said that actually reducing the price of anything was not government policy, and that personally she had no interest in a transport mode that is only used by "common people who hardly vote"; a sentiment that she later clarified really meant "valued Red Wall Conservatives".

Government proposes to ban barcodes on goods and reintroduce price labels

Among the countless Brexit benefits already identified by Mr Rees-Mogg, he is proposing a bill be put before parliament that would ban shops and supermarkets from using barcode technology and return to good old-fashioned British price labels.

Mr Rees-Mogg's "accountant" explained that Jacob's personal success with massaging hedge funds came partly from his pleasure as a child, in mentally adding up the cost of the shopping in his nanny’s trolley as she placed it on the conveyor in Harrods food hall.

'He could tell her to the exact farthing what her shopping would cost and any discrepancy with what was demanded of her by the servant at the till, would obviously be due to fraud. Whereupon the store manager would call security and insist the till slave was whipped to within an inch of her life and denied gruel. Until she begged for forgiveness and promised to be trustworthy on fear that if it happened again, the graves of her dead children would be sent to Rwanda, or some other God-forsaken hell hole like Glastonbury.'

Enquiries into whether Mr Rees-Mogg had used the self-checkout systems that supermarkets now have, brought the following reply from his "accountant": 'Good Heavens no! A trip to a supermarket would be over as soon as one walked in, with those ridiculous EU-inspired things. A supermarket trip surely needs to allow sufficient time in the checkout queue to have at least a three-course picnic.'

Government advises potential rail suicides to make alternative arrangements

People driven to despair by the cost-of-living crisis are being advised to find ways of topping themselves that don’t involve a high-speed locomotive.

With trains stuck in depots and platforms silent, Britain’s potential suicides could face a long and weary wait in sweltering temperatures before cashing in their chips in front of the 6.57 service from Waterloo to Portsmouth Harbour, ministers have warned.

Meanwhile, gas ovens, high bridges, and faulty electrical work are all being touted by officials as more reliable means of leaving your worries behind and moving on to a higher plane of existence.

A spokesman from the Department for Transport, allegedly being run by someone using the name Grant Shapps, said, 'The British are innovative people. We have absolute trust in the mortally depressed to do the right thing after writing a considerate note to their nearest and dearest about why they couldn’t carry on.

'The traditional method seems to be pills, but my sources inform me the motorways are open as usual and, if anything, they’re actually busier than normal.

'How does rush hour Friday sound?'

'This isn’t a cry for help because I know I won’t get any,' insisted suicide contender, Frank Jeffers. 'I’m just hoping for a better world, one in which I’m reunited with the relatives I’ve lost to this government’s incompetence and where my gas bills are taken care of by a benign being of light.'

He added, 'Like Mick Lynch in a long flowing robe.'