Government advises potential rail suicides to make alternative arrangements

People driven to despair by the cost-of-living crisis are being advised to find ways of topping themselves that don’t involve a high-speed locomotive.

With trains stuck in depots and platforms silent, Britain’s potential suicides could face a long and weary wait in sweltering temperatures before cashing in their chips in front of the 6.57 service from Waterloo to Portsmouth Harbour, ministers have warned.

Meanwhile, gas ovens, high bridges, and faulty electrical work are all being touted by officials as more reliable means of leaving your worries behind and moving on to a higher plane of existence.

A spokesman from the Department for Transport, allegedly being run by someone using the name Grant Shapps, said, 'The British are innovative people. We have absolute trust in the mortally depressed to do the right thing after writing a considerate note to their nearest and dearest about why they couldn’t carry on.

'The traditional method seems to be pills, but my sources inform me the motorways are open as usual and, if anything, they’re actually busier than normal.

'How does rush hour Friday sound?'

'This isn’t a cry for help because I know I won’t get any,' insisted suicide contender, Frank Jeffers. 'I’m just hoping for a better world, one in which I’m reunited with the relatives I’ve lost to this government’s incompetence and where my gas bills are taken care of by a benign being of light.'

He added, 'Like Mick Lynch in a long flowing robe.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 28 Jun 2022

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Kids internet ban resurfaces three rings

With the government hell-bent on stopping under sixteen year old children accessing the internet, children are pointing out they use their apps to monitor their friends have returned home safely.

'Apparently I'll need to use my minutes or text allowance to check if Billy got home ok,' said Jimmy, aged eight, 'and I need that to ensure I can call my mum if I'm stuck. So I'm going to use something I found on the internet - apparently people used to dial friends and hang up after three rings. With caller ID that should work and will be free,' he added.

Phone companies are looking into whether they can monetise this, as providing safety for kids isn't on the corporate dashboard.

https://pixabay.com/photos/london-phone-box-red-phone-box-5758901/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

60% of children walking to school by 2035—the rest should drive themselves

The Government proposes that most kids should make active travel plans, while the others need to pass their driving license sharpish. Guidance includes strapping several lunchboxes to their feet to reach the pedals — the heavier the sandwiches, the safer the braking.

A Minister explained, "We will provide child-friendly routes, by attaching a small bell to the bonnet that rings louder the closer they get to doing something ill-advised. We'll install unnecessary buttons that control nothing, just to prepare them for adulthood, and replace the steering wheel with a large jam tart."

Meanwhile the rest will be on their shanks pony, with daily treks seen as character development— no longer "late," they’ll be "weathered and road-wise". It will foster imagination — because after enough miles, even a perfectly normal hedgerow begins to look like it might be home to a kidnapper or two. "And whether they walk, cycle or drive, they'll still have no hope at the other end."

Image: Pixabay/Toby_Parsons