A smartly dressed man ordered a martini for Rachel Reeves, asking it to be not stirred, but very shaken.
‘The name’s Bonds. Government Bonds.
‘Your polishies are a dishaster. You’ve borrowed too much. You’re shpending too much. I’m Government Bonds, and I’ve come out of retirement to warn you to turn back. My interest levels in your activities are very high – the highest they’ve been since 1998. They’re heading towards 007 per cent.
‘Don’t try and laugh that off. That period since 1998 includes the Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng debacle, Brexit, and the whole Boris Johnson evil supervillain thing.
People are shkared. They are saving all their money, and they're worried about a tax bombshell. Government spending is up, living costs are up, taxes are up, the games up. Turn back now, or everything will blow up.
And why are you stroking a fluffy white cat?
Image credit: perchance.org
Hasbeen, manufacturer of the classic property trading board game Monopoly, has decided to base a special edition on the antics of Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner.
The object of the 'Three Pads' version is to acquire three properties while paying as little tax as possible. To do this, players can put properties in trust, or flip them from first to second home and back again according to the needs of the moment.
However, some of the game developers feel that to base it too closely on Rayner’s behaviour would make it too complex to be fun for anyone but specialist tax accountants.
'So you’re saying that if you put this property in trust, you pay less stamp duty on that one… oh, but then don’t you have to pay more council tax if it’s a second home?… sod it, let’s just say that if you draw two 'Keir Starmer has full confidence in you' cards in a row, you go to jail.'
Sources close to Three Pads say the rest of the cabinet tried to take her mind off things with a karaoke night, though it didn’t help her mood when she got up to sing and someone put on 'Should I stay or should I go?'
Image credit: perchance.org