Harry and Meghan returning to the UK for lucrative Sky deal

To the dismay of the real Royal Family, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are moving back to the UK later this month, leaving them desperately searching for excuses to avoid having to invite them for Christmas.

It is rumoured that the Sussexes are returning to the UK because they have secured a new TV deal with Sky. Their new TV series, ‘The Spare Returns to Blighty’ is expected to feature Harry complaining about the working Royals, Meghan making jam, and both of them talking about how difficult it is being rich and famous.

Although the King is looking forward to seeing more of his grandchildren, other members of the Royal Family are understood to be less enthusiastic.

The Prince of Wales is believed to have reacted to the news by saying: ‘Ginger and the Whinger coming back here? F*ck, no!’

It is also rumoured that Prince William is now considering joining Reform, having suddenly become very interested in their policies on immigration.

The reaction of Catherine, Princess of Wales, was, reportedly, ‘Oh, that’s such a shame. It’s been nice not having to worry about every family gathering becoming a six-part Netflix series.’

Meanwhile, Princess Anne is rumoured to have asked, ‘Why are they coming back? Did America run out of money? Did Donald kick Harry out?’

Neither Harry nor Meghan will resume their roles as working royals. This means that the Duke will remain a private individual while regularly appearing in documentaries explaining why he is no longer a working royal.

It is potentially awkward,’ said one royal correspondent. ‘Royal fans could soon be faced with a choice between the King’s organic biscuits and Meghan's raspberry jam, and wondering whether buying one of them constitutes taking sides.’

Filming for the couple’s new TV series is expected to begin soon. One Sky executive told us, ‘We’re only interested in getting an argument between Harry and William on camera. If that doesn’t happen, we’ll drop it after one series.’

Image credit: perchance.org

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Pearl clutchers 'secretly relieved' by the return of Meghan Markle

The return of Harry and Meghan to the UK is not news, but that hasn't stopped it being treated like news. But it is not news. 

Pearl clutching Daily Mail readers across the UK – especially in the Home Counties – have been furious about this non-news. However, many are also secretly relieved, with some even quietly fist pumping and Nazi saluting in celebration.

'It's just not the same when she's in America,' trilled one openly racist woman. 'When Meghan is here in the UK, I can hate her with the heat of a thousand suns, based purely on the colour of her skin. What fun! I'm not a racist – well, not a common racist, like that ghastly Nigel Farage. The newspapers are on my side.'

'I did buy some Harry and Meghan crockery, but only so I could smash it like a Greek wedding. Hooray! I mean... Booo!'

Image credit: deep dream generator. Two for one offer on Meghan Markle, apparently.

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Harry, Meghan and Andrew star in new visitor attraction, Brassic World

In a move that has left Buckingham Palace reeling, Harry and Meghan are teaming up with Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor to launch 'Brassic World', a theme park billed as the ultimate destination for fans of fallen royals.

Inspired by Jurassic World, the attraction will feature carefully contained specimens of disgraced blue bloods, allowed to roam freely in purpose-built habitats.

Visitors can board the 'Exile Express' monorail for a close-up view of Harry and Meghan’s California compound exhibit, complete with Netflix cameras and a live 'Oprah Exclusive' amphitheatre where the animatronic host invites our sympathy with their unfortunate plight of being confined to palaces and red carpet events while wearing fine clothes.

Andrew’s wing promises the 'Pizza Express Alibi Safari', a jungle trek past replica Epstein Island water features and including a thrilling 'Title Stripping Rapids' ride.

The theme park is funded by investors from the failed FIFA World Cup privatisation bid. An early press release claims the venture will 'democratise the monarchy by letting the public gawk at those who fell from The Firm's grace'. However, one critic warned, 'Man shouldn't mess with Royal nature. There's always the risk of escape of a sudden memoir.'

Set near Legoland Windsor (just to rub William and Kate's noses in it), visitors are asked not to feed the exhibits or enquire about security costs.

Image credit: ChatGPT. Looks like Andrew's had some work done.

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