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Six ways to stay cool


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There are extreme temperatures across most of the UK. A significant health risk comes from the heat inside people's homes. So how can we reduce these temperatures?


1. WALK AROUND NAKED

Alternatively, for ladies, perhaps a skimpy cotton T-shirt, preferably wet, will have a chilling effect where it matters most.


2. LEAVE THE FRIDGE AND FREEZER WIDE OPEN

You may find your bottles of Sol and your frozen peas will not be quite so cool as before, but it's all part of balancing things out. Be prepared to drink as much of the Sol as you can while it is still chilled. That will transfer the coldth (that is the opposite of warmth, right?) in to your body with the bonus effect that after several bottles you may not even be conscious of the heat.


3. CLOSE ALL THE CURTAINS AND BLINDS

Yep, the neighbours will wonder what you're up to, but stumbling around half-pissed, naked, in the dim hallway, lit only by the faint light from the fridge in the kitchen, won't be one of their guesses.


4. DON'T HAVE SEX

As if anyone would have the energy. But seriously, despite the advice in 1 above to the lovely ladies, just don't. It's all squelchy and soggy enough in a typical November, but these days you'll melt in to a little puddle of a weird mixture of your own bodily fluids if you even try to find solace in the slippery arms of your loved one.


5. MOVE TO DUBAI OR QATAR

These traditionally cooler climates will seem very attractive now. Well, apart from the no drinking. And the no nakedness. And the secret police trying to find out what's going on behind the curtains. On second thoughts, try Center Parcs.


6. BE MORE LIKE PRINCE ANDREW

He must be loving this heat, right? Sweat? No way. That man's got it all under control. We should all be like him. Well, maybe not completely like him, but you know ...




First published 21 Jul 2022


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References to summer of 1976 reach record high


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The number of references made by the media back to the drought of 1976 have reached all-time high levels, with commentators warning that such comparisons are likely to become even more commonplace as global warming continues.


Footage of people gathering water at standpipes at the end of streets, blurry images of Southampton lifting the FA cup, all accompanied by a soundtrack of Elton John and Kiki Dee singing ‘Don’t go breaking my heart’ have also reached dangerously high levels over the last few days.


‘People are going to have to get used to more namechecking of the famous summer of 76, as well as lots of poorly researched and confused montages of all things 70s and 80s’, said Mike McBride, Professor of Retro Studies at the University of Lunn (formerly Lunn Poly).


‘Even though it’s now scientifically proven that extensive sightings of white dog turds in the 70s were due to high calcium levels in bone-heavy dog food, it makes for a better story if reporters can link it to dogs eating too many Wham bars and drinking Rola-Cola’.


The current high levels of references to 1976 are expected to cool off later in the week,to be replaced by sone early 80s comparisons whenever the next Stranger Things episode comes out.




First published 20 Jul 2022


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Tourists flocking to Death Valley complain about lack of signage advising of the danger to health


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Furious tourists who flocked to Death Valley to experience the record-breaking balmy weather have today confirmed that they will be seeking legal redress after 116 of their number collapsed with heat stroke, 5 spontaneously combusted and 2 physically melted away altogether.


Lawyers have been instructed by several parties to pursue a class action against the State of California after visitors encountered a heat blasted desert, almost completely devoid of sheltering vegetation, and a negligent lack of watering holes for such a world-famous tourist attraction.


Standing next to the enormous ‘DEATH VALLEY’ sign at the entrance to the area, deemed the hottest place on Earth, on the hottest day since records began, Billy-Bob Hillybilly of Fuquitville, Alabama, said: 'I have looked round most all a this here dirt bowl an’ I can quite honestly say they ain’t so much as a Health & Safety information sign. Nor no warning ‘bout the hazard this here place may be to a body, neither. No Sir!'


When asked whether the 10-foot wide ‘DEATH VALLEY’ sign he was standing next to might have been a clue, Mr Hillybilly retorted, 'Well Hell! I didn’t think they was talkin’ ‘bout ma death! D’yer see ma name up there? No Sir! That there sign is ambiguous at best, I’d say.'


The District Attorney for Inyo County, Thomas L Hardy, was not available for comment, but a statement from his office said: ‘Mr Hardy commiserates with the friends and families of the casualties in this incident. He confirms he had seen the vehicles going up in the Death Valley direction, but assumed they from Hollywood, filming the latest movie in the ‘Jackass’ franchise.’




First published 19 Jul 2023


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