From NB archives: Ancient Rome

Severe criticism of social services as Romulus and Remus placed in foster care of she-wolf.

Defence Secretary resigns after he admits god of war was named after chocolate bar.

'Momentous historic event' predicted as Caesar spotted calling office of Rubicon Ferry Services.

Remembrance Day for Punic Wars; hundreds of Hannibal's elephants show up.

'That stab vest makes you look fat,' Brutus tells Caesar, as he plots Ides of March hit.

Emperor Tiberius moves to quiet retirement community on Capri that offers 'underage boys and relaxing atmosphere of decadence and depravity.'

Claudius appoints horse to Senate, makes outgoing senator run in Grand National.

Rome burns; Nero fiddles fire insurance claim, and uses the proceeds to open a coffee shop.

Goths invade Roman Empire to seize valuable deposits of black hair dye and blue lipstick.

Picture credit: Wix AI

No peeping toms in the days of William of Orange

More fake news from the NB archives

6th cent. BC. Buddha gets idea for reincarnation while visiting recycling centre.

33 AD. Jesus crucified, asks to be buried with 10kg of self-raising flour.

c. 150 AD. Ptolemy proves world is round. Shops that sold models of Earth now calling them "frisbees".

1450. Renaissance pauses for half-time break so people can clear backlog of witches and heretics to be burned.

1453. Guinness Book of Records congratulates England and France on completing Hundred Years' War.

1560. Nostradamus correctly predicts the Trump presidencies, but realises they are just too far-fetched for publication

1707. Act of Union - apparently. Scotland wakes up in bed beside England with huge hangover and no idea how it got there.

1842. Victorian society is shocked by the first Pirelli calendar, which features pictures of pianos with particularly attractive legs

1854. Alfred Tennyson in secret talks with Light Brigade: 'You provide the charge and I'll provide the poem.'

1901. Death of Queen Victoria sparks constitutional crisis as King Edward too fat to fit on stamp.

1919. Humiliating peace terms for WWI losers at Versailles, whereby Britain allowed to make one 12-part sitcom per year about beating Germany.

Includes contributions from FlashArry and deskpilot

Photo credit stockcake: museum-dinosaur-exhibit_262824_51875