Heatwave forces workers back to the office

Offices across the UK are reporting their highest attendance since the 2020 Pandemic as employees shun working from home to embrace an environment with air conditioning.

"We're seeing our best June for in-office working and sickness absences," said one head of HR. "Usually when it's a bit sunny we get lots of fortuitous tummy-bugs and non-specific illnesses. However, now the mercury's crept into the high-20's, people seem a lot more ready to get on with the tasks at hand so long as they can do them in a climate-controlled building."

Many companies are struggling to cope with the influx of people, having reduced their number of desks and office space in the expectation hybrid working would remain commonplace. "It's full to bursting out there," one company director told us. "So we've had to take a page out of the NHS's books and set people up at temporary workstations in corridors. Most are ok with it so long as they're within six feet of an air vent. We'd tried everything for bringing people back from their homes: Team-building sessions, discounted coffee, relaxed clothing rules on a Friday; it turns out all we needed was climate change to keep doing what it's doing."

With temperatures set to peak over the weekend, requests for overtime are also at an all-time high. "At this rate, we're going to run out of jobs to do and have people reorganising the stationary cupboard. If it doesn't cool down and staff don't get back to their kitchen tables and doing chores in parallel to working, we may have to consider redundancies, or hoping that all this close-proximity working causes another outbreak of something and a need to send everyone home."

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Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

The Home Office today announced a new plan to deal with illegal migrants arriving on small boats.

Entitled “France really isn’t so bad”, the campaign will try to persuade migrants who’ve already made it to France that they should stay there, and not imagine Britain is some kind of promised land it’s worth risking your life to reach.

The campaign will use positive images of France such as fields of lavender or sunflowers, baguettes and croissants, the Côte d’Azur, and the gentle buzz of a Citroen 2CV as it wends it way through sun-soaked Provence.

These will be contrasted with images of Wetherspoons’ chucking-out time on a Saturday night in Basildon, a damp sandwich bought on the Kings Cross to Manchester train, a run-down seaside resort on a rainy November Monday, or any footage of Keir Starmer.

“It really shouldn’t be hard to convince people France is nice,” said a cabinet minister. “Any idiot could do it. At least I hope so, since I’m giving the contract to an old school chum who never struck me as all that bright.”

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Government seeks good looking female prison officers to put them out of prisoners’ league

Following a series of scandals in which female prison officers seek a little animal pleasure in the confines of a cell with dangerous men, the government is quietly instituting a looks-only policy in its female officer recruitment policy. ‘These women are solid 7s,’ said a Home Office insider. ‘In other words, they are attractive enough to be desired and insecure enough to take what they can get. That has to change.’

In response, the department was tasked with coming up with a policy that would put a stop to the searchable sequence of real life prison porn genre scenes. ‘By making all female officers 10s, we believe they will not look twice at wing-loitering human scum. By the same token, the men will acknowledge that these women are simply out of their league and not risk the humiliation of being repeatedly turned down in front of their murderers and rapists peers.’

The Home Office spokesperson, herself a reasonable 8, said she believed the frustrated prisoners would in turn sublimate their carnal aggression into creative activities, such as pottery, matchstick modelmaking, and Hope Outreach Heal & Intercommunal Blending Meetings, which she said would spring up spontaneously ‘in the space between denial and acknowledgement.’

But the Home Office admits that the so-called ’Ratable 10’ policy may not in itself be sufficient to halt human desire. Sex has been a basic human need for decades and the most reliable way of propagating the species. Although there is an outright ban on it in institutions of forced detainment, it is thought that the sexual element of human nature does not go into full remission. ‘Men when they are locked up still retain their capacity to imaginatively visualize members of the opposite sex. Outlawing this is where we as a new Labour government intend to go next.’

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