UK border delays as visitors complete essays

Heathrow Airport yesterday declared a major incident at the UK Border following the Home Office confirming that migrants would require A-Level standards of English.

At hastily installed booths for a pilot study, visitors were being given two hours to answer questions on Othello to receive a stamp in their passport and be granted entry to the country. Despite being their native tongue, one holidaymaker from the United States was struggling with the text and questions.

'How does Shakespeare use irony?' They exclaimed while leafing through the text, 'The same way we all do? He just plugs it in and gets the creases out his pants? Did they wear pants in the olden times? Oh I haven't read this since High School. Is it Othello or Iago who's black?'

After the first day, over 97% of those arriving had been returned to their point of departure after failing to meet the expected standard. 'Clearly we're very disappointed," a spokesperson for The Home Office said, 'especially as the worst performing group in this whole exercise were British Citizens returning home. Many failed to identify the symbolic importance of the settings, others couldn't explain the dramatic function of jealousy, and when the flight from Alicante arrived, a worrying number of them tried to eat the book.'

Photo by Kit (formerly ConvertKit) on Unsplash

Exploiting a loophole in the 'one in, one out' policy

Heatwave forces workers back to the office

Offices across the UK are reporting their highest attendance since the 2020 Pandemic as employees shun working from home to embrace an environment with air conditioning.

"We're seeing our best June for in-office working and sickness absences," said one head of HR. "Usually when it's a bit sunny we get lots of fortuitous tummy-bugs and non-specific illnesses. However, now the mercury's crept into the high-20's, people seem a lot more ready to get on with the tasks at hand so long as they can do them in a climate-controlled building."

Many companies are struggling to cope with the influx of people, having reduced their number of desks and office space in the expectation hybrid working would remain commonplace. "It's full to bursting out there," one company director told us. "So we've had to take a page out of the NHS's books and set people up at temporary workstations in corridors. Most are ok with it so long as they're within six feet of an air vent. We'd tried everything for bringing people back from their homes: Team-building sessions, discounted coffee, relaxed clothing rules on a Friday; it turns out all we needed was climate change to keep doing what it's doing."

With temperatures set to peak over the weekend, requests for overtime are also at an all-time high. "At this rate, we're going to run out of jobs to do and have people reorganising the stationary cupboard. If it doesn't cool down and staff don't get back to their kitchen tables and doing chores in parallel to working, we may have to consider redundancies, or hoping that all this close-proximity working causes another outbreak of something and a need to send everyone home."

image from pixabay

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