Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

The Home Office today announced a new plan to deal with illegal migrants arriving on small boats.

Entitled “France really isn’t so bad”, the campaign will try to persuade migrants who’ve already made it to France that they should stay there, and not imagine Britain is some kind of promised land it’s worth risking your life to reach.

The campaign will use positive images of France such as fields of lavender or sunflowers, baguettes and croissants, the Côte d’Azur, and the gentle buzz of a Citroen 2CV as it wends it way through sun-soaked Provence.

These will be contrasted with images of Wetherspoons’ chucking-out time on a Saturday night in Basildon, a damp sandwich bought on the Kings Cross to Manchester train, a run-down seaside resort on a rainy November Monday, or any footage of Keir Starmer.

“It really shouldn’t be hard to convince people France is nice,” said a cabinet minister. “Any idiot could do it. At least I hope so, since I’m giving the contract to an old school chum who never struck me as all that bright.”

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Government seeks good looking female prison officers to put them out of prisoners’ league

Following a series of scandals in which female prison officers seek a little animal pleasure in the confines of a cell with dangerous men, the government is quietly instituting a looks-only policy in its female officer recruitment policy. ‘These women are solid 7s,’ said a Home Office insider. ‘In other words, they are attractive enough to be desired and insecure enough to take what they can get. That has to change.’

In response, the department was tasked with coming up with a policy that would put a stop to the searchable sequence of real life prison porn genre scenes. ‘By making all female officers 10s, we believe they will not look twice at wing-loitering human scum. By the same token, the men will acknowledge that these women are simply out of their league and not risk the humiliation of being repeatedly turned down in front of their murderers and rapists peers.’

The Home Office spokesperson, herself a reasonable 8, said she believed the frustrated prisoners would in turn sublimate their carnal aggression into creative activities, such as pottery, matchstick modelmaking, and Hope Outreach Heal & Intercommunal Blending Meetings, which she said would spring up spontaneously ‘in the space between denial and acknowledgement.’

But the Home Office admits that the so-called ’Ratable 10’ policy may not in itself be sufficient to halt human desire. Sex has been a basic human need for decades and the most reliable way of propagating the species. Although there is an outright ban on it in institutions of forced detainment, it is thought that the sexual element of human nature does not go into full remission. ‘Men when they are locked up still retain their capacity to imaginatively visualize members of the opposite sex. Outlawing this is where we as a new Labour government intend to go next.’

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Rwanda bill only impacts people called Bill

Instead of targetting thousands of asylum seekers, the new law will deport less than a dozen people, alongside a very confused Bill Oddie. Mr Sunak had promised to turn back the tide, instead he has just unleashed Bill Cosby on the unsuspecting women of Rwanda.

The error was attributed to the late-night vote and not enough coffee.

The House of Lords offered an amendment to extend the system to Williams and Billys, but by that point national treasure Bill Nighy was bound and gagged.

The Home Office apologised to any Bills effected: 'It feels that we are arbitrarily persecuting innocent people, at a huge cost to the taxpayer...but that was always the intention.'

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