Your horoscopes for June 2024, by Hermes Trismegistus

Aries

Your sign has recently been taken over by Virgin Media : as such, you can initially expect extremely positive readings at competitive prices. But beware ! The service cost will slowly creep up, the quality of prescience will drop and you will end up being treated like sh*t, the same as the rest of us.

Taurus

What with your dream catchers and crystals, you must think you are a medium. I have to tell you that you are still an Xtra Large.

Gemini

Ask the burning question you've always wanted to ask. No matter where you are, now is the time. Unless you are in primary school as no time is the right time.

Cancer 

The mighty firmament doesn't have time for your pettifogging life this month.

Leo 

The phrase "pull yourself together" will have greater poignancy for you after a little mishap next week. Best to carry a large tube of superglue with you at all times.

Virgo

The old adage has it that if the world gives you lemons, make lemonade. However, what you might do with a ton of well-rotted pig sh*t is a bit of a mystery : some sort of "mineral mud" skin treatment ? If so, please ensure you are wa-a-ay downwind of me.

Libra

All of the other star signs are jealous of you.

Scorpio

Scorpions will defect en masse to Oscar Cainer in the Daily Maily because I don't flatter them with nicer predictions. Go on, see if I care.

Sagittarius

Thank you for your request. Our team is working really, really hard on your forecast, without sleep day or night, so hard in fact that our balls are on fire. Literally. Sorry, what was the question again?

Capricorn

While cleaning the interior of your pride and joy yellow Ford Capri from 1974, you discover a disgusting example of foot skin dropoff. Do not be tempted to lick it.

Aquarius

Your rushing about will create a tear in the spacetime continuum, resulting in you actually meeting yourself coming back.

Pisces

Nope. You can tell yourself what you like. Stop it. It's gross.

Contributions from:

FlashArry : Aries, Virgo,

simonjjames : Gemini, Pisces

SteveB : Capricorn, Libra

sydalg : Scorpio

Sinnick : Sagittarius

Image by gabschgarella from Pixabay

Your Horoscopes for May, by Hermes Trismegistus

Aries

Aries: you're under the Ram. Would it be indelicate to ask why?

Taurus

I'm sorry, but none of the members of the Celestial Zodiac are prepared to make a prediction for you. Get back to your tarot cards, you traitor!

Gemini

I'd take the blue pill if I was you. You won't like what you find out if you take the red one ... unless you like long leather coats.

Cancer

As Mars passes through Virgo, things will never be the same at the snooker.

Leo

Never mind. At least you're not Liz Truss! Oh you are. Errm …

Virgo

Love is in the air - they are throwing used condoms off the top of the tower block again. Some sort of waterproof hat is essential, and try not to look up with your mouth open.

Libra

There will be no forecast for you this month. Animal activists freed my "entrail providers" before I got to consulting for you.

Scorpio

You're going to get stuck in a lift this month, probably with a Barbary Ape. Be prepared.

Sagittarius

As film of you dancing naked in Brighton's Pride March racks up four million views, you might want to consider a slightly less 'potent' medication for your hay-fever. Nice moves though.

Capricorn

The Heavens declare that you may run, but you c'aint hide.

Aquarius

After years of toiling in obscurity, your efforts are finally recognised - but you knew the CCTV in the park would eventually catch you out. Literally.

Pisces

Due to a cataclysmic shakeup of the Western literary canon, your latest series of emails to the Sales Department will win you the Nobel Prize. You'd better learn Swedish fast.

Contributions from:

Scorpio - simonjjames,

Aries - Sinnick,

Cancer - SteveB

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aquarius -FlashArry

Pisces - sydalg

Image: Maklay62 - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Your horoscope for April, by Hermes Trismegistus

Aries

In love, fortune favours the brave, but there is a thin line between heroism and abject stupidity that you may have crossed a couple of minutes ago. Sorry, dropped the ball on that one, but the burns should heal nicely without too much scarring.

Taurus

It's not every day that a new sexual disease is named after the principle vector. Congrats!

Gemini

The phrase "having your head screwed on properly" will be particularly apt for you today. Apt, but tragic.

Cancer

You are plagued with mysterious stiffness and body odour. But then all is revealed: you were pronounced dead a week ago. Your GP hasn't been telling you everything.

Leo

Sure, trampolining looks like a lot of fun but have you checked the ceiling for giant spikes? No. No, you haven't.

Virgo

The unexpected death of a loved one will come as a surprise and a shock to you, leaving you to ponder the eternal verities and whether a hidden tripwire/grenade snare is somewhat excessive as a cat deterrent.

Libra

You are going to pull this weekend. Sadly, it will be a stomach muscle from heaving up a meal of bad oysters.

Scorpio

Your colour is aquamarine, your gemstone is ruby, and you need to have a long hard look at yourself.

Sagittarius

"There are known knowns. There are also unknown unknowns". Your fate is in the second category. Sorry about that.

Capricorn

An appalling tragedy leads to popularisation of the phrase 'two ends of the same goat'.

Aquarius

I'm sorry, but none of the members of the Celestial Zodiac are prepared to make a prediction for you. Get back to your tarot cards, you traitor!

Pisces

The supermoon on the 30th could have a major impact on your...oh wait, that was last month. Sorry, I accidentally shifted my Mystic Powers setting to “hindsight".

Hat Tips to:

Flasharry, SteveB, simonjjames, sydalg,

Image: geralt - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com