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Your horoscope for April, by Hermes Trismegistus


In love, fortune favours the brave, but there is a thin line between heroism and abject stupidity that you may have crossed a couple of minutes ago. Sorry, dropped the ball on that one, but the burns should heal nicely without too much scarring.


It's not every day that a new sexual disease is named after the principle vector. Congrats!


The phrase "having your head screwed on properly" will be particularly apt for you today. Apt, but tragic.


You are plagued with mysterious stiffness and body odour. But then all is revealed: you were pronounced dead a week ago. Your GP hasn't been telling you everything.


Sure, trampolining looks like a lot of fun but have you checked the ceiling for giant spikes? No. No, you haven't.


The unexpected death of a loved one will come as a surprise and a shock to you, leaving you to ponder the eternal verities and whether a hidden tripwire/grenade snare is somewhat excessive as a cat deterrent.


You are going to pull this weekend. Sadly, it will be a stomach muscle from heaving up a meal of bad oysters.


Your colour is aquamarine, your gemstone is ruby, and you need to have a long hard look at yourself.


"There are known knowns. There are also unknown unknowns". Your fate is in the second category. Sorry about that.


An appalling tragedy leads to popularisation of the phrase 'two ends of the same goat'.


I'm sorry, but none of the members of the Celestial Zodiac are prepared to make a prediction for you. Get back to your tarot cards, you traitor!


The supermoon on the 30th could have a major impact on your...oh wait, that was last month. Sorry, I accidentally shifted my Mystic Powers setting to “hindsight".

Hat Tips to:

Flasharry, SteveB, simonjjames, sydalg,

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