December Horoscopes, from the Whether Man

Aries

Quit grousing - if you had turned right instead of left, all I predicted last month would've come true. Am I to blame for your lousy sense of direction ?

Taurus

The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.

Gemini

A very special oddity will occur this month. One twelfth of the population will not all have precisely the same experience.

Cancer

You will become famous this month. Your face will be shown around the world. Looks like Donald didn't get your name redacted. Shame on him, shame on you!

Leo

Dark, uncertain events cloud your future this month. The words 'plausible deniability' will feature heavily in conversations and correspondence over the next week.Leo

Virgo

If you’re reading this in The Times, then December may feel a little cooler than average; if you read it in The Sun, the YOU’LL FREEZE TO DEATH AND IT’LL BE KEIR STARMER’S FAULT.

Libra

There will be a lot of snow where you live this Christmas. It's your own fault for letting your sister bring 'Cokehead Colin' to stay for the holidays.

Scorpio

Life outside your front door can offer excitement, drama and fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams, you just need to get out there.Netflix isn't everything. Having said that, the new K-drama they are pushing looks a bit tasty …

Sagittarius

You are what you repeatedly do. So maybe you want to think about that one. Eh?

Capricorn

This month you exist in constant fear of your own birthday misfortune, particularly what receiving the gifts of 26 copies of the same stinking royal book says about you.

Aquarius

Financial matters continue to loom large. The state of the economy and the recent budget mean that you must work to put things in order. Everyone is well aware of your predicament and, distressingly, it is much discussed by your colleagues, friends, enemies and media commentators. Now that a high profile event is behind you, it would be wise to concentrate on your performance at work. Try to ignore the nay-sayers. The numbers are bound to improve eventually, that’s just simple probability. Reassure yourself that your boss has expressed ‘full confidence’ in you. Remember, it’s not too late to secure a panto booking, although you will probably be cast as the villain.

Pisces

You will light up the office at the Christmas party this year. Your boss really should have had the lights around the tree PAT tested.

Authors:

Flasharry: Aries, Leo, Scorpio

Simonjjames: Taurus, Sagittarius

SteveB: Gemini, Capricorn

Lockjaw: Cancer, Libra, Pisces

Sinnick: Virgo

Deskpilot: Aquarius

www.newsbiscuit.com

December Horoscopes, from the Whether Man

Aries

Quit grousing - if you had turned right instead of left, all I predicted last month would've come true. Am I to blame for your lousy sense of direction ?

Taurus

The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.

Gemini

A very special oddity will occur this month. One twelfth of the population will not all have precisely the same experience.

Cancer

You will become famous this month. Your face will be shown around the world. Looks like Donald didn't get your name redacted. Shame on him, shame on you!

Leo

Dark, uncertain events cloud your future this month. The words 'plausible deniability' will feature heavily in conversations and correspondence over the next week.Leo

Virgo

If you’re reading this in The Times, then December may feel a little cooler than average; if you read it in The Sun, the YOU’LL FREEZE TO DEATH AND IT’LL BE KEIR STARMER’S FAULT.

Libra

There will be a lot of snow where you live this Christmas. It's your own fault for letting your sister bring 'Cokehead Colin' to stay for the holidays.

Scorpio

Life outside your front door can offer excitement, drama and fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams, you just need to get out there.Netflix isn't everything. Having said that, the new K-drama they are pushing looks a bit tasty …

Sagittarius

You are what you repeatedly do. So maybe you want to think about that one. Eh?

Capricorn

This month you exist in constant fear of your own birthday misfortune, particularly what receiving the gifts of 26 copies of the same stinking royal book says about you.

Aquarius

Financial matters continue to loom large. The state of the economy and the recent budget mean that you must work to put things in order. Everyone is well aware of your predicament and, distressingly, it is much discussed by your colleagues, friends, enemies and media commentators. Now that a high profile event is behind you, it would be wise to concentrate on your performance at work. Try to ignore the nay-sayers. The numbers are bound to improve eventually, that’s just simple probability. Reassure yourself that your boss has expressed ‘full confidence’ in you. Remember, it’s not too late to secure a panto booking, although you will probably be cast as the villain.

Pisces

You will light up the office at the Christmas party this year. Your boss really should have had the lights around the tree PAT tested.

Authors:

Flasharry: Aries, Leo, Scorpio

Simonjjames: Taurus, Sagittarius

SteveB: Gemini, Capricorn

Lockjaw: Cancer, Libra, Pisces

Sinnick: Virgo

Deskpilot: Aquarius

www.newsbiscuit.com

Horoscopes for November, by The Curmudgeon

Aries

You will meet someone tomorrow that will change your life in a profound way. Or you could just pay that tax and everything will be back to normal.

Taurus

Unfortunately, the cat got at your charts so the reading has somewhat slewed. Watch out for hairballs, the wrong kind of litter and the smell of tuna. Keep working on that purr, and avoid mice at all times, no matter how tasty they may look.

Gemini

Using a fairground as a metaphor, your life, so far, Has been all swings and roundabouts. From now on it will be dodgems and waltzers. Make of that what you will.

Cancer

You have about 5 minutes left to live by the time you've finished reading this. Just about time for a crafty wank, considering your heart condition

Leo

You need to revisit your childhood trauma. Turns out you were a massive bellend and you need to confront that with honesty and courage. Probably be best to have a few pints beforehand so you can fake the honesty and courage.

Virgo

The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.

Libra

If life repeatedly gives you lemons you have to worry about who is suggesting replacement items for your on-line supermarket shop

Scorpio

As an intelligent, questioning Scorpio, you've always wondered if ultra processed foods are really that bad for you.  Good news - your curiosity is about to be satisfied.  Always assuming that St. Peter knows what the answer is.

Sagittarius

The heavens are very much in your favour, you are living your best life at the moment. This is as good as it can be.

Depressing thought isn't it ?

Capricorn

The moon is very dominant in your chart this month. You may feel the urge to moon your boss, police officers, your neighbours, and/or members of the clergy. If you do succumb to temptation then you should be aware that a magistrate will have heard the 'it was in my horoscope' defence before, and that it is unlikely to get you off.

Aquarius

You will bring great joy to a number of families this month. So kudos to you for always carrying a donor card

Pisces

You have had recent run ins with a close family member. They have condemned your behaviour and you cannot disagree. They have humiliated you and wounded your pride. And rightly so.

Authors

Simonjjames: Aries, Leo, Virgo

Deskpilot: Scorpio, Pisces

Flasharry: Taurus, Sagittarius,Libra

Sinnick: Cancer

Lockjaw: Gemini, Aquarius

www.newsbiscuit.com