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Horoscopes for September by Gertrude de Grimoire

Aries


The interview panel will conclude that you are 'the right one'. Sorry. Correction. The interview panel will conclude that you are 'a right one.' Better luck next time.


Taurus


You can solve a difficult family issue if you are prepared to make one final push. How about a family outing to Beachy Head?


Gemini


Your 'holier-than-thou' vegan friend hasn't mentioned they are vegan for over an hour, and is looking very shifty. Check them for bacon residue.


Cancer


You finally accept that your life is a precautionary tale of poor decisions used to deter others from your chosen path. Keep those goals low and struggle to meet them - but remember, the world loves a hapless underdog. We are all rooting for you, even if it is mostly out of morbid curiosity.


Leo


Your beautiful wife is having a passionate affair with a tall, dark handsome stranger. You should go out to find this rogue, for the next hour at least.


Virgo


It's time to up your game. With confidence you can do anything you want - cooking, electrical work, doctoring - anything. Don't let the naysayers stand in your way.


If you know how to solve the migrant crisis then you should shout it from the rooftops. Or, at the very least, you should paint red lines on some mini roundabouts.


Libra


That weird dirty dream you had about Michael Fassbender last night? That will come true if you don't stop eating Haribo sweeties and speaking in those stupid baby voices.


Scorpio


You have a special bond with someone who always 'gets you'. That would be your parole officer.


Sagittarius


Sadly, you and your potential true love are as ships that pass in the night. Furthermore, you are the Titanic.


Capricorn


Remember, wealth cannot buy you health, but you can get a better class of doughnut.


Aquarius


As Mercury aligns with Saturn, it brings cosmic, life-transforming changes for Aquarians. Unfortunately, these are all cancelled out by the results of an obscure by-election in East Grinstead.


Pisces


The world is your oyster. Unfortunately, cosmically, you are allergic to seafood


Contributions from



SteveB : Libra



deskpilot : Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio, 



FlashArry : Gemini, Cancer, Aquarius, Capricorn



Sinnick : Leo


Image: Lockjaw


Horoscopes for August by Simon the Scryer

Aries


You will be the man about town this month, in that you will be paraded through the streets with a noose around your neck, before the inevitable end. They don't take kindly to people messing with the landowner's daughter in these parts. I advise forgoing that journey to foreign parts


Taurus


You will be knighted. Sorry, you will be benighted. That is to say, you won't have a clue about what will be happening to you this month.


Gemini


Don't be fooled by the person looking back at you in John Lewis. It's a novelty mirror and you really don't have a doppelganger, you utter imbecile. If there were two of you, the end of days would have already occurred. But that doesn't happen until next Tuesday.


Cancer


Suggesting a game of rock, paper, scissors to your mugger will not turn out well for you this month


Leo


Good looks, wealth, impeccable taste. You really must stop staring into posh restaurant windows.


Virgo


Unlucky in love ? Persevere, there is someone out there for everyone, but your current 'plucked-chicken-coated-in-cuprinol' look could be making a mockery of this advice.


Libra


You will be working at a review of a public enquiry into an investigation probing the level of scrutiny of a feasibility study into the scope of the processes and procedures of some cobblers or another. Still, looks like you have employment for at least a few months making the sandwiches for the lunchtime recess. Result!


Scorpio


As an intelligent, questioning Scorpio, you've always wondered if ultra processed foods are really that bad for you.  Good news - your curiosity is about to be satisfied.  Always assuming that St. Peter knows what the answer is.


Sagittarius


The first book in a series of children's books will be dedicated to you. Make what you will of the motive behind 'The Stupid Old Fart’.


Capricorn


A man in a grey suit is haunting your dreams. While you contemplate your current life challenges, the man in the grey suit hovers in the background. Sometimes he offers suggestions but these aren't helpful and he often changes his mind anyway. He is interested in your benefits and pension pot and your savings and you are worried that he will take your purse.


Try not to worry about this. Things will be clarified in the Autumn Statement.


Aquarius


A black cat crossing your path will be the harbinger of a minor but painful incident or injury. If you own a black cat, or a number of black cats, this month will be a particularly trying one for you.


Pisces


Your diligent searching finally achieves the desired result this month. A treasure trove of hedge porn is yours for the taking.



Contributions from


StveB: Gemini


Deskpilot: Scorpio, Capricorn


Flasharry: Virgo, Aquarius




Horoscopes for July, 2025

Aries


Time to pull yourself together. Your emotional support animal now needs its own emotional support animal.


Taurus


Don’t put off a decision. Keir needs more money, and he’s coming for you!


Gemini


After the horrendous barbecue accident, you will be known as 'Mr Patty Hands’.


Cancer


The heavenly alignment indicates your life will enter a period of stability, so either that "serious ear infection" clears up, or you decide to lay off the sauce for a bit. Whatever the reason, you will spend less time sprawled on the floor being used by the family as an impromptu draught excluder. Result !


Leo


Remember!! Always turn off the electric mower before clearing any blockages in the blade housing. I'd have thought that you would have learnt that lesson first time around, Lefty!


Virgo


You are worried that you have misplaced something valuable, and you are understandably keen to find it before anyone else. There is no need to worry yourself unduly. it's bound to turn up soon. After all, it weighs 400 kilogrammes and it's radioactive.


Libra


You will bring great joy to a number of families this month ... after your organs have been harvested. Kudos to you.


Scorpio


You will be declared the person most likely to ... Erm, it's not clear what that will be as yet.


Sagittarius


Time will weigh heavy on you this month, but eventually someone will find you under that grandfather clock. Ding dong!


Capricorn


Your zest for life will be tested when someone suggests fun with a grater.


Aquarius


If life gives you verrucas, don't expect people to kiss your feet


Pisces


Contributions from



deskpilot: Taurus, Virgo



jamesdoc: Capricorn



FlashArry: Cancer, Aquarius


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