December Horoscopes, from the Whether Man

Aries

Quit grousing - if you had turned right instead of left, all I predicted last month would've come true. Am I to blame for your lousy sense of direction ?

Taurus

The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.

Gemini

A very special oddity will occur this month. One twelfth of the population will not all have precisely the same experience.

Cancer

You will become famous this month. Your face will be shown around the world. Looks like Donald didn't get your name redacted. Shame on him, shame on you!

Leo

Dark, uncertain events cloud your future this month. The words 'plausible deniability' will feature heavily in conversations and correspondence over the next week.Leo

Virgo

If you’re reading this in The Times, then December may feel a little cooler than average; if you read it in The Sun, the YOU’LL FREEZE TO DEATH AND IT’LL BE KEIR STARMER’S FAULT.

Libra

There will be a lot of snow where you live this Christmas. It's your own fault for letting your sister bring 'Cokehead Colin' to stay for the holidays.

Scorpio

Life outside your front door can offer excitement, drama and fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams, you just need to get out there.Netflix isn't everything. Having said that, the new K-drama they are pushing looks a bit tasty …

Sagittarius

You are what you repeatedly do. So maybe you want to think about that one. Eh?

Capricorn

This month you exist in constant fear of your own birthday misfortune, particularly what receiving the gifts of 26 copies of the same stinking royal book says about you.

Aquarius

Financial matters continue to loom large. The state of the economy and the recent budget mean that you must work to put things in order. Everyone is well aware of your predicament and, distressingly, it is much discussed by your colleagues, friends, enemies and media commentators. Now that a high profile event is behind you, it would be wise to concentrate on your performance at work. Try to ignore the nay-sayers. The numbers are bound to improve eventually, that’s just simple probability. Reassure yourself that your boss has expressed ‘full confidence’ in you. Remember, it’s not too late to secure a panto booking, although you will probably be cast as the villain.

Pisces

You will light up the office at the Christmas party this year. Your boss really should have had the lights around the tree PAT tested.

Authors:

Flasharry: Aries, Leo, Scorpio

Simonjjames: Taurus, Sagittarius

SteveB: Gemini, Capricorn

Lockjaw: Cancer, Libra, Pisces

Sinnick: Virgo

Deskpilot: Aquarius

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