Burnham says he will introduce 8 "regional water councils" to oversee Pornhub

Unable to get the water industry to clean up its act, the PM has settled for banning certain types of lewd behaviour. On November the 6th restrictions come into effect to clean up the filth pouring into our bedrooms – just not our bathrooms.

The spokesman said, ‘The internet will have a new filtration system, while the Thames will have to rely on one giant tea strainer. We’ve hired consultants who produced a 4,000-page report explaining why the public want less muck on their browser – but they are fine with it in their drinks. The best way to improve water quality is to add slices of lemon “for freshness” and the best way to stop indecent images is to seize Russell Brand’s address book.’ When he was asked how Mr.Burnham liked his porn, ‘Andy likes his fetishes like he likes his water – dirty.’