With the government hell-bent on stopping under sixteen year old children accessing the internet, children are pointing out they use their apps to monitor their friends have returned home safely.
'Apparently I'll need to use my minutes or text allowance to check if Billy got home ok,' said Jimmy, aged eight, 'and I need that to ensure I can call my mum if I'm stuck. So I'm going to use something I found on the internet - apparently people used to dial friends and hang up after three rings. With caller ID that should work and will be free,' he added.
Phone companies are looking into whether they can monetise this, as providing safety for kids isn't on the corporate dashboard.
All social media users everywhere have agreed never to believe anything posted from now on, after acknowledging that AI, conspiracy theories, and complete liars have made it impossible to tell the truth from trolling.
'Even cat videos look suspicious these days,' said user crochetgirl89. 'I adopted a cat, and it doesn't even like filming for Insta!'
A Downing Street spokesperson hailed the agreement, ratified across the world on all apps at 6am today, adding that 'We don't think it will affect the public's view of the government's online output at all.'
The agreement appears to have taken effect quickly, having been condemned immediately as 'fake news' by the right, 'interference by bad actors from other planets' by the left, and as 'complete b****cks by pretty much everyone else involved.
Image: Newsbiscuit Archive