People should plan for potential cyber-attacks by going back to pen and paper, according to the latest advice.
The government has written to chief executives across the country strongly recommending that they should have physical copies of their plans at the ready as a precaution.
In associated developments the government has reached out to the ursine community pointing out that visitors to the woods should ensure they take sufficient toilet paper to address the likely outputs / outcomes.
This site uses iris reading technology to scan your eyeballs. This is necessary to measure the performance of ads on the site.
We may use your iris scans and fingerprint to access your bank accounts. This allows us to understand the demographics of site users, and some other stuff. For more information, see the detailed terms and conditions available at our Isle of Wight headquarters every other Monday, as long as it's not raining.
Your DNA may be used to introduce you to highly remunerative opportunities in organ donation. We may receive a commission payment as a result. Actually, we definitely will.
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Your browser history and cookies may be used to determine if you are a promiscuous humour site user, and also for extortion and blackmail in certain jurisdictions.
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The Labour Party is restricting something that has been around for 3000 years. No, not disillusioned Labour voters. Porn. New laws mean you must be over 18 to watch it, but you can, some might say, still be under 18 to experience it on an island with Prince Andrew.
An unforeseen consequence is that Spotify and YouTube will be censored, but Mrs Brown's Boys will not. You will have to submit all your personal details to access harmful content, a bit like electing Starmer in the first place.
Of course, teenagers will circumvent the system by using a VPN. While Boomers will confuse it with Visible Panty Line. The dark web is set to expand, which is great news if you are an illegal drugs start up.
So no children will be safer as a result, but we will have better access to a Russian blackmailer of your choice.
image from pixabay
