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Junior Doctors' strike enables them to see their families


The Junior Doctors' strike means many are actually getting a full night's sleep and have reconnected with friends and family they haven't seen for years.


One said 'My eyes have adjusted to sickly hospital strip lighting. Normal daylight gives me headaches. Unfortunately I can't prescribe myself the good gear because I ain't no scab - little medical joke there. The over-the-counter stuff is much less over-the-rainbow.


'Also I'd forgotten you could feel rested and not veer from shift to shift in a constant state of existential horror. I've been home! It turns out I have a nephew! He is 8. I also have a now ex girlfriend - turns out she left me several years ago.'





Tories deliver completed promise of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists


The UK government excellence machine has churned out another win you should know about. Always delivering on everything all of the time, and sinews so strained haemorrhoids are popping out the bottom, this one could so easily have been lost in all of the other successes.


Downing Street spokesperson, Binki Pfeffel, announced, 'This is another great day and another great victory. We have completed our promise to deliver 40 new hospitals. We have done this by completing what was an incomplete promise at the time it was made of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists.


'And we have gone further. There are also 40 new hospitals signs. That's 40 brand new road signs pointing to where existing hospitals are. This is precisely what the Great British people deserve.


'But wait... there's more. We have also opened 40 news hospitals. Any news which shows symptoms of being bad for us will now automatically be quarantined in one of these marvellous news hospitals. It will undergo world-beating treatment, until it is declared good, healthy news, and allowed out in public.'



Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals


Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.



‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’



Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.



Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.



Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.



Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.


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