Hello, you have called the MOD Police hotline for reporting suspicious activities around RAF Fairford.
If answered, your call will activate an armed police response unit complete with marksmen, sniffer dogs, bomb disposal teams, robots and helicopters full of SAS troopers ready to abseil down and kill everyone.
Unfortunately, no one is here manning our vitally important 24-hour a day hotline because they're down the pub, Or they forgot to come into work again.
You could try our alternative two-hour a day lukewarm line, but I wouldn't bother if I were you. Why not write to your MP or raise your concerns at the next Fairford parish council meeting?
Otherwise, dial 999 and explain to Debbie at the telephone exchange what the big deal is about white vans parked around RAF Fairford carrying hundreds of kilograms of fertiliser explosives. Or stolen diesel. Who knows?
Thank you for your call that we've blithely ignored.
Image: Alexas_Fotos - Pixabay