Empty benches in the House of Commons and a new game called ‘Where’s Boris?’ have led to calls for MPs to be required to prove that they are ‘available for government’ every two weeks.
'I know it’s a shitshow', said a spokesman 'and you might think we’re better off without people like Boris Johnson and Liz Truss, but they’re being paid 84 grand just to turn up and snooze. It’s only 30 weeks a year for Christ’s sake, even schoolkids have to put in more time'.
Jacob Rees-Mogg was unavailable for comment - which is odd, considering his obsession with getting civil servants back to the office.
Westminster staff have defended the move, pointing out that ‘in a little over a year quite a few current MPs will find themselves actually unemployed. They should treat this as a dummy run, given that many of them are literally unemployable’.
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The number of MPs turning to foodbanks for help is on the rise again. Volunteers in the House of Commons say it has been their busiest month yet, with peers and MPs queuing around the block to stock up on the basics such as foie gras and a rather indifferent but otherwise passable Sauvignon Blanc.
One user who was too embarrassed to give his name, said: ‘Since I got back from the Caribbean, I’m down to my last bottle of Cognac. I’ve had to tell the children we can’t afford hand-crafted wallpaper this Christmas. They were in floods of tears. How have we come to this as a nation?’
Film director Ken Loach has spent several weeks in parliament filming ‘I, Fat Bastard’, a hard-hitting exposé of the hardships faced by MPs who have slipped through the net.
‘It’s truly Kafkaesque,’ said Loach. ‘Imagine the indignity of having to submit receipt after receipt just to claim back your hotel expenses. They’re at boiling point. It’s going to kick off around here, I can tell you!’
Dominic Raab has denied beating volunteers with a stick while shouting ‘Piñata! Piñata!’
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