31 July - International Chicken Day

US Democrats have declared July 31st 'International Chicken Day'. The day is already National Avocado Day and National Chilli Dog Day - so what's with the chicken?

Democrats are, of course, just trying to score political points. They expect July 31st to be the day that Donald Trump chickens out of imposing tariffs - again!

Donald has been threatening tariffs since forever. He's imposed a few, changed a few, lifted a few - a general tariff hokey-cokey in fact. But he keeps chickening out on imposing most tariffs, claiming that countries are super keen to agree trade deals. Yeah. Right.

Will the suggestion that Trump Always Chickens Out be correct again? Probably. The President is widely expected to give most nations another 20/40/50/90 days to do a deal. Because, so far, the USA has concluded no significant trade deals at all (sorry, Britain - not significant).

So we will probably all be celebrating on July 31st with avocados (not Mexican, obviously), chilli dogs...and another massive helping of chicken.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Jeffrey Epstein fails to attend golf course openings

Donald Trump has opened a new golf resort in Scotland.  Jeffrey Epstein did not attend.  

The new 18-hole course at Turnberry is not named after Jeffrey Epstein.

Later, he will open a new 18-hole course in Aberdeenshire. That course isn’t named after Jeffrey Epstein either.

The White House says Trump will also meet Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer to have his ego stroked for a bit, and to get some respite from media questions about Epstein’s List and his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.

The President hopes that, by promoting his personal interests so publicly while in office, the media will write about something other than Epstein.

A spokesman for all media outlets said, ‘Epstein. Epstein. It’s all about Epstein. It’s an Epstein frenzy! Trump is named in Epstein’s List.  Trump was told he was on Epstein’s List and then lied about it.  New pictures of him and Epstein keep turning up!  No wonder it’s all about Epstein.

‘Actually, just to explain, me and the lads are betting on how many times we can insert ‘Epstein’ into a news item. I’m currently in the lead.’

Picture credit: deep dream generator

North Korea's 1966 World Cup win hoax is actually true

A North Korean news presenter declaring in a high-pitched voice, and with fervent pride, that their glorious nation had won the men's football World Cup in 1966 has, in a stunning revelation, proved to be a very real and absolute fact.

National flagship truth channel trusted by all, GB News, made the announcement yesterday evening, following a thorough, diligent investigation spanning 59 years.

The broadcast, which comes as something of a blow to England fans, was delivered in a sombre tone by national treasure and triple-gold-medal-winning sporting hero, Jacob Rees-Mogg:

'It is with solemn regret that it falls to this highly respected news anchor to inform you that England did not win the World Cup in the year of nineteen hundred and sixty six. A series of Westminster dictatorship governments, none more so than the current regime, misinformed the public in distasteful and desperate bids to generate national pride.

'Contrived falsehoods proposed as reality are now, finally, exposed by this award-winning programme. An unusual touchline discussion between referee and linesman did not take place. The ball did not cross the line. The World Cup itself was not stolen. A dog called Pickles did not discover the hallowed trophy wrapped in newspaper and discarded in a hedge.

'Any footage you may have witnessed was staged. There was no Geoff Hurst hat-trick. No crowd ran onto the pitch, thinking it was all over.

'The actual, true and very real winners were the upstanding and highly respected nation of North Korea. Good eggs, every last one of them, and we salute their Supreme Leader.

'Due to the great dishonour brought upon the country, England has humbly surrendered its use of the George Cross Flag, returning it back to Turkey. And Malta. And Portugal. And Georgia.

'In other news, which may be even more unpalatable to England fans, the Independent People's Democratic Republic of Scotland did indeed become world champions of Elephant Polo in 2005.

'Now over to Salman Rushdie with the weather.'

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio