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Failure to register mafia interest was an honest mistake, says PM



The Prime Minister has brushed off accusations that he failed to register shares in a concrete mixing car wash casino. The PM said the omission was an honest mistake, adding that he was fairly certain his accountant, Luigi ‘The Accountant’ Caponioni, would not be making the same mistake again.


A revised list of ministerial interests shows a reference to a number of direct shareholdings, including a second-hand furniture shop near Grimsby town centre. The shop is closed but has an estimated annual turnover of £650 million. It is part owned by his wife, Donna Vito Corleone Sunak.


A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: ‘The PM made an honest mistake but has apologised and set the record straight. He is totally legit. Furthermore, I would advise you to check under your car before putting your key in the ignition.’


Mr Sunak’s accountant was not available for comment.



First published 21 April 2023


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Student with £231k loan has a brilliant plan to deal with it




A student who amassed a record-breaking student loan debt of £231k has a plan to deal with it, and is unconcerned.


‘Is this a big debt? Yes, it is. Are the government adding interest to my debt at an outrageous rate? Yes, they are. Have the government hiked up the interest on student loans? Yes, they have. Did they change the rules on me retrospectively? Yes, they did.’


Colin Card admits that the size of his debt would cause many people great anxiety. ‘My Gran used to say ‘never a borrower or a lender be’, says Colin. ‘Silly old moo.’ But Colin is not letting his student debt cramp his style.


‘My plan is quite simple. I’m cutting my working hours to minimise the debt repayments. This also reduces my tax bill, so it’s a win-win. The student loan repayment is a discentive to work and I’m fine with that. I’m prioritising my quality of life – walking on the beach, spending time with friends and family, dossing around. It’s great. My health has recovered from my student days – less drinking, less pizza, more exercise, lower blood pressure.


‘My plan is very, very simple. I only have to wait it out and eventually – admittedly some years away – the government will just cancel the whole debt, including all the interest. They’ll never get the money off me. I’ve figured it all out. That degree was worth it after all.’


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