Failure to register mafia interest was an honest mistake, says PM

The Prime Minister has brushed off accusations that he failed to register shares in a concrete mixing car wash casino. The PM said the omission was an honest mistake, adding that he was fairly certain his accountant, Luigi ‘The Accountant’ Caponioni, would not be making the same mistake again.

A revised list of ministerial interests shows a reference to a number of direct shareholdings, including a second-hand furniture shop near Grimsby town centre. The shop is closed but has an estimated annual turnover of £650 million. It is part owned by his wife, Donna Vito Corleone Sunak.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: ‘The PM made an honest mistake but has apologised and set the record straight. He is totally legit. Furthermore, I would advise you to check under your car before putting your key in the ignition.’

Mr Sunak’s accountant was not available for comment.

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W*nk bank interest rates increased

The w@nk bank, a service used by a large number of males, has informed its customers that interest rates are rising, effective immediately. The already premium rate service is dubiously classified as a basic need, and depends on the ability of chaps to recall sexy things they've seen and committed to long term memory.

W@nk bank user Trevor Gums complained, 'It's up a further 7% overnight, and that's too stiff for me to continue. I just can't splash out on it anymore.'

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image from pixabay

‘Gap between borrowing and savings rates’ to be recognised as a Wonder of the World

The huge chasm between the rates for borrowing money and those offered to savers by banks is to replace the Grand Canyon as one of the Wonders of the World, it has been announced.

‘It’s about time this gap got some kind of recognition’, said bank account holder Mike McBride.

‘I regularly stand there staring at my bank statement, speechless, in simple open-mouthed awe, comparing the 5% or 6% interest rate on my mortgage with the 0.5% offered to me on my admittedly measly levels of savings’

‘I was lucky enough to be looking at the gap last week and saw it increase in size in front of my eyes – something to tell the grandchildren’, continued McBride.

‘When the Bank of England increased the base rate, my mortgage rate immediately went up by the full 0.75% but my savings rate inched up by 0.00001%. You have to marvel at the sheer magnitude and scale of the gap – I hope it gets identified as a UNESCO heritage site or something’.

‘This is nonsense – there are some very competitive savings rates still available to customers’ said Sir Hugh Gevault of the Bankers Federation.

‘A number of our banks actually have a very generous 1.5% rate currently available to all savers. All we ask is that savers keep a minimum of £500,000 untouched in the bank there for a period of 199 years, and if they make a single withdrawal in this time, we would of course take all their children as a penalty charge’.

‘Mine and my banking executives’ eye-watering bonus levels, however’, continued Gevault. ‘Now they are a modern wonder of the world. Long may they continue’

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Image: Pixabay/stevepb