Interest rates drop to 0%... In Tory leadership race

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Student with £231k loan has a brilliant plan to deal with it

A student who amassed a record-breaking student loan debt of £231k has a plan to deal with it, and is unconcerned.

‘Is this a big debt? Yes, it is. Are the government adding interest to my debt at an outrageous rate? Yes, they are. Have the government hiked up the interest on student loans? Yes, they have. Did they change the rules on me retrospectively? Yes, they did.’

Colin Card admits that the size of his debt would cause many people great anxiety. ‘My Gran used to say ‘never a borrower or a lender be’, says Colin. ‘Silly old moo.’ But Colin is not letting his student debt cramp his style.

‘My plan is quite simple. I’m cutting my working hours to minimise the debt repayments. This also reduces my tax bill, so it’s a win-win. The student loan repayment is a discentive to work and I’m fine with that. I’m prioritising my quality of life – walking on the beach, spending time with friends and family, dossing around. It’s great. My health has recovered from my student days – less drinking, less pizza, more exercise, lower blood pressure.

‘My plan is very, very simple. I only have to wait it out and eventually – admittedly some years away – the government will just cancel the whole debt, including all the interest. They’ll never get the money off me. I’ve figured it all out. That degree was worth it after all.’

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

Entire UK united in ecstatic celebration as interest rate stays at 5.25%

Incredible and emotional scenes today across the UK as the Bank of England announced that the base interest rate would stay at 5.25%. Barely, as a clearly emotional Andrew Bailey, the Bank of England Governor, finished his sentence announcing the rate, loud cheers and beeping of horns could be heard across the country. Mr Bailey looked into the camera after the announcement and openly wept saying, "we did it guys, we only went and did it".

It was announced that schools were to be closed for the rest of the day and for tomorrow and a National Celebration called for. Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer crossed the floor of Parliament and warmly embraced after which the speaker threw his ceremonial gavel in the air and shouted, "let's go to the pub!!". There was a loud cheer and MPs spilled out on to the Westminster roads in scenes reminiscent of Fame, The Movie. Nigel Farage helped shocked immigrants from their boats on a Dover beach saying, "come on in, there's plenty for everyone now. Haven't you heard, it's stable at 5.25%". Police Officers stopped no one and searched no one, they simply smiled at passers by.

Reports are coming in of food banks closing by the dozens. The homeless are purposefully striding into Banks where they were met by staff giving out mortgages. The High Streets are awash with people stocking up for this most bountiful of Christmases.

5.25% is being seen as a Christmas miracle.

Photo by Alicja Ziajowska on Unsplash