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Johnson abandons sanctions in favour of 'Williamson Doomsday Solution'


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As international sanctions have proven to be completely ineffective against Russia's invasion of Ukraine, Britain has announced it is prepared to deploy the ultimate force against despot Vladimir Putin.

Addressing a packed press suite at Ten Downing Street earlier, an ashen-faced Boris Johnson told reporters. 'Regrettably, it is the doomsday scenario, but we have been left no further options in this conflict. And therefore, it's with a heavy heart that I announce I am appointing Gavin Williamson back into frontline politics as Foreign Secretary.

'Gavin acts on Putin in much the same way as Red Kryptonite does on Superman, and once he has delivered a salvo of well-chosen schoolboy insults, we are sure that Mr Putin will see the error of his ways and back down.'

Unconfirmed reports are suggesting Williamson (10) has been issued with a new blazer, house tie, shorts and knee-length woolly socks and is currently practising the insult "Yah boo, smelly you." This is deployed along with "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire," in conjunction with his trademark Putin put down, "Russia should go away and shut up".



Ukraine's internet connections still outperforming TalkTalk Broadband



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Despite coming under heavy bombardment from Russian artillery, Ukraine's internet connections are still outpacing the UK's TalkTalk broadband service, according to an intercepted email.

The email, sent from homeworker Sergei Butrov, detailed how pleased he was with his seamless broadband despite his block of flats being targeted by a 500-pound bunker-buster bomb earlier this morning and the subsequent death of his family.

Butrov's claims have raised further questions about TalkTalk's unpreparedness should thermonuclear war interfere with UK-based broadband services, bearing in mind the number of people working from home.

"Is great," said Sergei in the brief communication. "I read from CNN about Ukraine flag on EU building and somehow delay in NATO troop reinforcement. It piss all over your TalkTalk."



Classic Russian Playbook' banned from children's libraries after invasion of Ukraine

Children's libraries across Europe are refusing to stock the 'Classic Russian Playbook' after it became clear that Putin was using it to plan and execute a full-scale invasion of Ukraine.

"The American President and others have been saying for weeks that Putin's invasion of Ukraine was following the 'Classic Russian Playbook", said the head of the UK Librarian's Association today.

"At first, we found it very difficult to believe that Russia would use a children's book as the focus of an invasion plan, but when we checked the contents, we were quite shocked."

Extracts from the book include:

'This is Vladimir.'

'Vladimir is scared.'

'Vladimir likes playing pretend.'

'Vladimir sits at a very, very long table.'

'Vladimir has surrounded a friendly country with tanks and missiles to the north, east and south.'

'Vladimir pretends to support separatist regions as a pretext for invasion.'

The EU's chief of libraries is withdrawing the book immediately as a precaution against 'giving any other kids ideas.'


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