Moscow claims Kabuthian craft from the Orion Spur crashed into Moskva

"Citizens of Russia, our superior technology had been tracking an alien craft from the Andromeda Galaxy heading towards Earth for a number of months. We did not wish to cause alarm for the peoples of the planet as we are a peace-loving nation. We attempted to set up a task force to repel the potential attack, which we calculated would make landfall in the south of Ukraine.

"Sadly, we must now inform you that whilst repelling that craft our flagship, the Moskva was hit by a Shrödinger Raygun which incapacitated, and then sank it. Consequently, the crew have been killed and are very much alive. We hope this clears up any misunderstanding created by the false news perpetrated by the Western powers".

Johnson abandons sanctions in favour of 'Williamson Doomsday Solution'

As international sanctions have proven to be completely ineffective against Russia's invasion of Ukraine, Britain has announced it is prepared to deploy the ultimate force against despot Vladimir Putin.

Addressing a packed press suite at Ten Downing Street earlier, an ashen-faced Boris Johnson told reporters. 'Regrettably, it is the doomsday scenario, but we have been left no further options in this conflict. And therefore, it's with a heavy heart that I announce I am appointing Gavin Williamson back into frontline politics as Foreign Secretary.

'Gavin acts on Putin in much the same way as Red Kryptonite does on Superman, and once he has delivered a salvo of well-chosen schoolboy insults, we are sure that Mr Putin will see the error of his ways and back down.'

Unconfirmed reports are suggesting Williamson (10) has been issued with a new blazer, house tie, shorts and knee-length woolly socks and is currently practising the insult "Yah boo, smelly you." This is deployed along with "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire," in conjunction with his trademark Putin put down, "Russia should go away and shut up".

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Ukraine's internet connections still outperforming TalkTalk Broadband

Despite coming under heavy bombardment from Russian artillery, Ukraine's internet connections are still outpacing the UK's TalkTalk broadband service, according to an intercepted email.

The email, sent from homeworker Sergei Butrov, detailed how pleased he was with his seamless broadband despite his block of flats being targeted by a 500-pound bunker-buster bomb earlier this morning and the subsequent death of his family.

Butrov's claims have raised further questions about TalkTalk's unpreparedness should thermonuclear war interfere with UK-based broadband services, bearing in mind the number of people working from home.

"Is great," said Sergei in the brief communication. "I read from CNN about Ukraine flag on EU building and somehow delay in NATO troop reinforcement. It piss all over your TalkTalk."

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