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Johnson abandons sanctions in favour of 'Williamson Doomsday Solution'

As international sanctions have proven to be completely ineffective against Russia's invasion of Ukraine, Britain has announced it is prepared to deploy the ultimate force against despot Vladimir Putin.

Addressing a packed press suite at Ten Downing Street earlier, an ashen-faced Boris Johnson told reporters. 'Regrettably, it is the doomsday scenario, but we have been left no further options in this conflict. And therefore, it's with a heavy heart that I announce I am appointing Gavin Williamson back into frontline politics as Foreign Secretary.

'Gavin acts on Putin in much the same way as Red Kryptonite does on Superman, and once he has delivered a salvo of well-chosen schoolboy insults, we are sure that Mr Putin will see the error of his ways and back down.'

Unconfirmed reports are suggesting Williamson (10) has been issued with a new blazer, house tie, shorts and knee-length woolly socks and is currently practising the insult "Yah boo, smelly you." This is deployed along with "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire," in conjunction with his trademark Putin put down, "Russia should go away and shut up".

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