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Despite coming under heavy bombardment from Russian artillery, Ukraine's internet connections are still outpacing the UK's TalkTalk broadband service, according to an intercepted email.

The email, sent from homeworker Sergei Butrov, detailed how pleased he was with his seamless broadband despite his block of flats being targeted by a 500-pound bunker-buster bomb earlier this morning and the subsequent death of his family.

Butrov's claims have raised further questions about TalkTalk's unpreparedness should thermonuclear war interfere with UK-based broadband services, bearing in mind the number of people working from home.

"Is great," said Sergei in the brief communication. "I read from CNN about Ukraine flag on EU building and somehow delay in NATO troop reinforcement. It piss all over your TalkTalk."



First published 26 Feb 2022



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The 47th president has threatened the renegade territory, whose sovereignty is a grey area, with the full might of American invasive techniques, honed over multiple movie-inspiring wars, unless it does something to stop him. 'Love Island is prime property that could fall into the hands of the Crink powers lest the commander in chief moves TODAY,' said a White House insider. Crink stands for China, Russia, Iran, North Korea, and the incessant need to acronymize.


In recent weeks, Trump has stepped up his whispering campaign of possible annexations of plum-located nation territories with piddling militaries, such as Canada, Greenland, Panama, and Great Britain. With the Gulf of Mexico being renamed The Gulf of America and traditional military headwear being replaced with reinforced MAGA caps, supporters think the time is ripe to snatch the island from under the noses of grasping yellow hands.


'America needs to control Love Island to ensure international security,' said the insider. The island is a black hole for diplomacy, and has seen scores of transient relationships fall by the wayside. It is also a monarchy whose current head, Burger King, has exerted power with nothing like the full understanding of Peter Thiel's constant frown.


Meanwhile there are fears that with the world's attention firmly focused on the various threats put about by Trump solely to secure leverage and wholly unlikely to be acted upon, China will roll over Taiwan this spring, kickstarting the kind of world war only banks survive. 'My belief,' said one analyst, 'is that Love Island is at a unique geographical vulnerability, being the shallowest island on Earth.'


Image: WixAI

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