Trump Presidency to get weekly recaps

‘Followers of American politics have complained that they can’t follow the plot’, a White House spokesman told us. ‘If this was a Netflix drama there would be one major incident per week and they’d still offer a recap. President Trump’s achievements are so many and so wondrous that the American people can’t keep track’.

Trump’s achievements since January include stealing 65 billion barrels of Venezuelan oil, losing a war with Iran, turning the Reflecting Pool into an algae conservation area, having ICE murder a couple of US citizens, cheating at golf (multiple times), shitting his pants (multiple times), falling asleep on camera (multiple times) and threatening to invade – well, everybody.

The only topic which won’t be included in the recap is the Epstein Files. ‘Look, President Trump has already released 5% of the Epstein Files’, the spokesman said. ‘What more do you people want? Jeez, if an old man can’t have a little fun once in a while – what’s the world coming to?’

Image: File:Donald Trump mugshot.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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Iran war over as Strait of Hormuz renamed Strait of America

The conflict in Iran is over.  Iran has unconditionally surrendered after hearing about the United States declaration that the Strait of Hormuz is to be referred to, by the US Government but nobody else, as the Strait of America.  This cessation of hostilities is proof that all those who thought Donald Trump's renaming of stuff was just performative willy-waving without any substance were mistaken.

Acknowledging the power of Trump signing an unconstitutional executive order and then posting about it on his Truth Social app, an Iranian spokesman admitted that his country no longer had the means to control the flow of shipping through the waterway. He said, 'We have no choice but to stop all our military action in the face of such a devastating change to paperwork regarding the conflict being issued by the White House.'

Buoyed by this success after only six months of mistreating his servicemen and women, using up most of his military inventory and murdering schoolgirls, Trump is apparently considering whether Greenland should be referred to as the Green Land Of The Free.  Suggestions that Pete Hegseth was to be renamed Pete Competent Hegseth were however dismissed as ridiculous.

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Trump threatens to bomb Betty's Tea Rooms

Donald Trump has threatened to bomb Betty's Tea Rooms, if it 'gets in the way' of opening the Strait of Hormuz.

The comments, made in a Fox News interview, aired as Iran and the US exchanged fire across the Strait.

'Next week it gets really bad for them,' Trump said. 'We're going to knock out all their kitchens. We're going to knock out all their rooms unless they get to the table and negotiate.'

Human rights chief Volker Turk responded by saying: 'Under international law, deliberately attacking civilians and civilian infrastructure is a war crime.'

'I'll save the kitchens for last, but ultimately, we'll hit them,' Trump said in an interview on Special Report with Bret Baier that aired on Tuesday night. 'Betty's didn't help at all when we went into Iran. They need to step up now.'

Betty's Tea Rooms are found across the UK, and the company says it is neutral in the conflict. However, Trump has accused it of being a front for radical liberal forces that are trying to undermine the West.

Trump posted on his Truth Social network: 'The number one goal is, and always will be, that Iran cannot have, in any way, shape, or form, a nuclear weapon, and Betty's absolutely must never put falafels on the menu.'

Image credit: perchance.org

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