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The Art of the Deal - Volume 2


Ace deal maker and definitely not a loser Donald Trump is working to fix the Iran War.


'It's just about making a deal,' said the President in a rare moment of lucidity on waking from his late afternoon nap. 'My new plan is to offer Iran some countries that they can have. One from the gulf, one from Europe, possibly Italy, and one from Asia. That would be a great thing for them.


'And I'm offering to keep the price of oil nice and high for them. They will earn lots of money from that.


'And I'm sending them enriched Uranium, to replace what we destroyed. That's only fair.


'And we'll help them mine the Strait of Hormuz, why not. What else would you do for your friends?


'If that's not enough to end the war, then I can throw in a few sweeteners. I'll invest in Iran. Golf courses, Trump casinos, an Iranian campus for Trump University.


'Hegseth, Netanyahu and Fox News screwed this all up, but I can fix it. I'll make the best deal of all time to end the war, win the midterms and get reelected for a third term. Iranians love me and I love them back.


'More tablets? So many tablets. Didn't I just take some? Not enough. Okay. Gimme the tablets, get me a coke and get my magic deal-making hat. Donald out.'


Image: WixAI



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Yes! You too can play Trump Middle East pinball


It's the new craze for deranged, octogenarian Americans which is proving even bigger than golf.


What you do is fire off missiles at Iran in a totally unprovoked attack in tandem with Benjamin 'I'm on trial for corruption' Netanyahu.


When it all comes back on you, you ping wildly from one desperate strategy to another, such as: blockading Iranian shipping; bombing the Iranian coastline; making a peace deal; promising Iran $300bn of someone else's money; lifting sanctions on Iranian oil; cancelling the peace deal; reimposing the sanctions; charging 20% tariffs on shipments leaving the Gulf; bombing Iran again and attacking international shipping.


'Anyone can play this game,' said a spokes-flipper for the Trump Corporation.


'All you have to do is be a sociopathic huckster who landed up in the world's most powerful post with hundreds of billions of dollars of weapons at your disposal, a massively inflated sense of your own abilities and zero knowledge of the Middle East.


'But you don't win any points in this game. Every move made in Trump Middle East pinball is completely pointless.'


Image: WixAI



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Iran may be lying to us, whisper nervous Trump aides

"We're beginning to suspect that when it comes to the Strait of Hormuz, Iran may be promising us one thing and doing another," a White House aide confided in a low voice.


"They promise they'll open it up but then terrorise ships into not crossing it without its permission, by blowing a few up.


"Now we have to find a way of breaking it to President Trump that Iran's leaders may have been pulling the wool over his eyes for several weeks on the trot.


"He hates that. He's always considered himself to be the biggest, fattest liar in the whole wide world. The slightest suggestion that someone might be out-goofing him is guaranteed to drive him crazy.


"What we're going to do is sign a new Memorandum of Understanding every time they break the last one. Every time we do, we'll tell Trump that he's cheated the Iranians real good this time.


"Our President loves been called a lying, cheating fraud, " said the aide, marching confidently towards the Oval Office. "He takes it as a compliment."



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