'I was going to blame this outage for the fact I haven't done any work for most of the last 6 months.' said office worker Gary Grimthwaite, who loathes his job, both privately and publicly.
'I bet those dweebs will be in at the weekend fixing it too, so on Monday morning I'll be able to work as normal. I wonder how long I could claim it still isn't working for me. I reckon I could buy at least a day. There's a Bergerac double bill later.'
IT Manager Amy Armstrong said, 'It's a worldwide problem, so I can't do anything about it. Apart from claiming the overtime for supposedly working on a solution. And the credit for turning our servers off and on again.'
CEO Clementine Carruthers fumed, 'This just proves that working from home is morally wrong. The plebs should be in an office where I can secretly monitor them on CCTV from my yacht in international waters. What is Outlook anyway? I do all my communication on the Dark Web. Nothing dodgy.'
Carruthers' PA sighed, 'I changed the background colour of her laptop to black and told her it was the Dark Web. And she's definitely going to jail.'
Picture credit: Wix AI
A family of 14, including two great-grandparents, have been evicted from a high-tech warehouse in Sunderland.
The warehouse is owned and operated by a well-known on-line retailer who has, amazingly, asked not to be named. We are able to say, however, that the warehouse is in a prime location.
The retailer said that the family had got in by mailing themselves to the warehouse, pretending to be returned goods. Once inside, they hacked the stock control system to make certain racks unavailable for use. They then lived in the racking, unnoticed, hiding behind dusty pallets of unsold Boris Johnson books. They survived by eating cardboard and returned corn-and-potato based snacks. For entertainment, they challenged each other to wear a blindfold and work out which was which.
Six members of the family were subsequently hired by the retailer, even though they gave their home address as that of the warehouse. They worked regular shifts for over a year, and one of them won employee of the month three times. Despite this, the family was made to leave, and all six employees were sacked. Two family members escaped the eviction process by despatching themselves to a pick-up locker nearby.
The retailer said that it would not prosecute the family as company policies didn’t directly cover the circumstances. A spokesman confirmed that IT security would be tightened and company policies updated.
Although there was some damage to copies of ‘Unleashed’ there was no financial loss as they were already unsaleable and worthless.